Jack everyday I contemplate "Did I do the right thing?" I think its a question I'll be asking for the rest of my life. As your mother I feel I should have done anything to save your life even if it meant putting a gun to their heads to make them keep you on dialysis and find a way to save you. Then the other side of my brain kicks in, the side that saw how much pain you were in and it tells me it wasn't right for you to keep going like that. I always ask myself were you struggling to live for me or for you? The nurses said it was miracle that you kept trying with the massive and severity of your medical issues and that it was because I kept asking you to keep going. Even in the hospice you stopped breathing a few times and every time I begged you not to leave me alone,then you would come back. All I could hear was that pain medication pump, it was pumping and pumping with what seemed like enough meds to drown an elephant. I know you were in pain, you looked like a mad scientist experiment and by that time you were trying extra hard to breathe - but, but........
A lot of people are able to put these thoughts out of their minds and say "what done is done. That it was inevitable" but I cant. Ugh!
I have fantasies all the time too. Some about dying (no I'm not suicidal) but just so I don't have to be here without you and others about getting pregnant again in hopes that it would be you. I would of course love any child unconditionally but still I wonder, could you come back to me that way? Is your will to live stronger than science itself? Its like I have been split in two. There is rational me and irrational me. One side is looking toward a different future and the other side is in the past and trying even still to change it.
I am always thinking of you my piglet, Your silly hair, funny hand gestures and the weird leg positions-you loved to splay them out so funny -oh you were sooo silly. Your Great Auntie misses your piggy nose and the chubby cheeks you had when you were born. I wish I could smell you, hear you, kiss you... Mummy and Jack forever
2 comments:
I am hoping this comment will come up ....as I follow your Blog daily |Michelle. Ex[ressing yourself as you do is very informative of where you are with this devastating experience. Jack is so sweet and loving in all the pics. Losing a child is the hardest loss to ever come to terms with. This I know...and is a proven fact. As a mother you will always second guess yourself but at the same time have to accept the inevitable. Knowing you like I do, there is no way that everything you fought for was not heard or discussed amongst the doctors. You are and have always been a Fire Ball & expressed what is on your mind. Yes Michelle, lil Jack did want to be here and stay with you....it just got too difficult to do so. Remember he is on you shoulder coaching you to go on remembering all that the two of you shared.
thank you Barb, Besides Jack you have been a great coach.
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