Today was hard like everyday for me but worse. I went over all the what ifs again in my head even though I know I shouldn't. I am sorry my baby. I feel like I failed you. I knew your surgery should have been done sooner, I knew it in my gut, I knew something else was going to go wrong before you had the heart attack, I knew it in my gut. I should never have listened to other people no matter how smart they were. To this day I still wonder if I should have fought with them tooth and nail.. Would that have saved you? I know we did raise hell in there harassing the docs and nurses but I keep wondering what would have happened if we had have fought to get the surgery earlier. I don't know maybe the outcome would have been the same or worse. I often wonder the morning you had your heat attack; if I would have seen it coming had I been there earlier. I wonder how long you were showing symptoms leading up to it before they noticed you were turning blue. I have so much anger still at them and at myself. So many different things went wrong it boggles my mind. I say it again and again but I will say it once more "I'm so sorry my MR."At such a young age you fought so hard for your life overcoming one infection or complication just to get another. I have never met anyone like you with such will to live and such strength. You are my hero, my superman.I wish that we all could have been your hero too.
1 comment:
I know how hard it is to think of the what ifs. As mothers we are responsible for our children but some things are out of our control. I spent many nights, weeks crying and saying those same words that I am sorry that I failed you. But I think that our children know that we were the best of mothers and that we love them very much. Please don't blame yourself, you did everything that you could for your precious baby. It has only been two months since my Bella passed and I miss her more everyday. I hope that you have some comfort in knowing that you are not to blame.
Thinking of you and your precious baby.
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