It hasn't been that long but where am I now 3 months and 17 days later. Right now drinking a beer which I do occasionally to numb the pain especially when Daddy doesn't get home till late. Still dealing with the nightmare. Many people think the nightmare ends after your child passes away, well they are wrong. It never ends and never will. Its not something you dismiss as the past. I am not moving on. I am not on a journey of discovery, I have not become a saint, gone on a save the world crusade or become more in tune with nature. I am not some heroin that is strong. I live and breathe and continue on with life because your body doesn't just up and die whenever you wish it to. There is no romantic "dying of a broken heart", it doesn't work like that in reality.When your child dies, physically you will still be left breathing. I do not appreciate life more or notice a flower or bug and think Jack is in all that is nature, nor do I believe he is romping around in heaven with that I mean no disrespect to those that do. I do not believe he is coaching me along with unspoken words. I do not believe that I am off the grid for bad things happening to me because it already did. I still wish Jack meant more to other people, I am not all forgiving. I have not come to terms with what happened or reached some special understanding of death. Death has not made me into some mystical being with great words of wisdom for others. I am just trying to get buy, I am human. Why do I talk to Jack on my blog, not because I think he hears me but because I want him remembered and I would have had so much to say to him if he were alive that this helps get it out. I am grateful for those that try and help and are there for me. To my family I say those that I know could afford it, you should have shown up for his service, we were emotionally devastated, you knew where it was and when -we made sure of that, we weren't with it enough to plan your stay or tell you "oh yes please, please come" just so you could feel appreciated or gratified, should we have had too? NO. If you happen to read this which I doubt, why didn't you show up for Jacks sake?Why didn't you want too just for him? Was it really that difficult for you to book a flight here and show up for the service just to see Jack and say goodbye to him?A combined family plant with no flower(from Mom and well off brothers), really you couldn't splurge and send flowers separately, and only one extended member sent flowers to the service.( Hands over your ears Jack) Well you self righteous S.O.B.'s, you can bite me you cheap Bastards. AH that feels better, Sorry my baby, the anger just hit a boiling point and I erupted all over your blog.Good thing you cant read.
Sorry my baby, Jack and Mummy forever
21 hours ago