I'll Never Say

I was talking to a friend the other day and she touched upon a word that I am very sensitive about. Its the reason I have yet to post a Lillypie time calender marking how long its been since Jacks passed; because it says its been ....... since we said goodbye. She said to me it must have been so hard to say goodbye to Jack. I snapped back that I didn't say goodbye in fact I will never say goodbye. I didn't mean to snap and she knows that and she understands that weirdly I have yet to accept Jack passing. Maybe I never will, maybe I will always be waiting and hoping right until my own death.

What I did say or rather moaned, screamed,pleaded and begged in the palliative care home for 11 hrs and 40 minutes while holding Jack was "Jack, I love you. Don't leave me, don't leave me Jack. Pee for Mummy,please baby please just pee for Mummy." I was hoping for a miracle and even the doctors knowing that his kidneys were completely gone thought maybe Jack could pull it off. They had come up with an emergency back up plan in case he did pee in the palliative care home where he would be rushed back for all life saving treatment. Not even Jack's incredible will to survive was enough to fix his kidneys.

Among others - Jack's pain control nurse and our nurse Heather from the PICU; there was also  a doctor/ councillor- (in fact I cant remember what she was)that was present in the room with us, she was really in our faces alot and always kept trying to give us unwanted advice. She said " tell Jack it's okay to die, say goodbye." In my mind I screamed "Its Not Okay!" gave Jack to Daddy and lunged at her to strangle her with my bare hands. In actuality I only growled with vehemence, "Get out, get out now!" and she quickly made her exit.

I held Jack tightly, every once in awhile sharing him with Daddy. He continued to labour with his struggle to keep going and I continued to beg and repeat over and over how much I loved him. As I held Jack at 11: 40 pm  Daddy leaned over him, kissed him gently on the cheek and as the tears streamed down his face he whispered in Jack's ear, "I love you Jack. Its okay to die." Jack exhaled one last time, listened to his Father and never took another breath.

I refused to say goodbye then and I still to refuse to say it now. I still beg, I still plead and sternly I say "Its not ok Jack, listen to Mummy, come back !" I will never accept that it was goodbye. Heaven and angels and all that have nothing to do with this or my complicated way of thinking. I have faith in only Jack.Call me in denial, crazy, not accepting of his death, your probably right but there are no goodbyes for me, only  waiting. Someday, somehow just maybe....... I believe in you baby.
Jack and Mummy forever