What We Want

We should have seen a fertility doctor years ago but I guess we were so busy with work it just kept getting pushed back and time flew by. I knew I was very irregular with my periods but yet we were so intimidated by tests, procedures, and finding out that it may be more than we could afford. I guess I was also always afraid I would find out I was completely infertile. We were somewhat in denial.

Before I realized it; I was 36 yrs old and still no children of my own..I didn't realize then how much I had wanted to be a mother and we had resided to "if it happened great, if not we were still ok".  I kept asking the question of "who was I and what was it that I really wanted to do with my life but hadn't yet realized the answer". I had resided back then to the fact that I would always talk to Jack as my mythical baby and not for real. How ironic, that in the end it would only turn out the same.

I do remember thinking  in December of 2009, OMG I am 36 yrs old now,Ok no matter what the outcome I do have to go in soon and find out whats happening before I turn 37. I could kick myself now for not really taking it seriously sooner, I never thought about charting, mapping, or ovulating then, I never thought it might be as easy popping a pill. I guess because I just wasn't completely ready yet. Duh, yeah I know who waits till their 36 yrs old to be ready for children. I always thought -yes I want my own kids but maybe we should be more stable first, life isn't perfect enough yet for that responsibility, we should wait for the house with the white picket fence first. Anyway there was always a reason why I didn't pursue it with more ferocity. We did try for  years,  I wasn't on any birth control the whole time but I guess we didn't try hard enough. Codie says if we hadn't of let time slip by then it's possible we wouldn't have had  "our" Jack. There was a purpose to our wait and see method, I just hadn't realized it.

In January of 2010, the wait and see was over, I didn't have to pursue it further as Jack was conceived. When I got pregnant I realized how much I had actually wanted a child, when Jack came it was the most incredible experience of my life and now there is nothing I want more than to be a Mother.

 What is funny is how Jack took us totally off guard. I keep trying to remember what I did right then and the only thing I can remember is that it was the most unlikely time. I was really stressed and busy with work, sick as a dog with a bad cold that started a month before he was even conceived, Codie had been laid off due to the recession, we were complaining about the noise level of our partying neighbours and bickering between ourselves over the usual mundane things stress, life,money, etc.

 Then "Surprise Mummy, fooled ya-I'm here now". Even then Jack loved to do the unexpected.The mischievous grin I always saw on Jack's face before he did something that shocked everyone; well now I can even see it on that little sperm as it penetrated the egg.

Now I am 38 yrs old, there is no longer time to "wait and see" and we are no longer ready to settle for "if it happens great and if not we are still ok". Now we  anxiously wait for our referral to see a fertility Doctor. Since Jack's birth I have been alot more consistent with my getting my period; so we are now doing the best we can with the whole timing thing at home too.

Jack gave us the answers and showed us the miracle.We know who we are now and what we want most out of our life together. We are parents.

I love you my baby, my miracle. Jack and Mummy forever.