I haven't posted as often this month. Its been very difficult for me. Its been a very hard month so far with Jack's birthday, and the reminder that all the holidays are coming and Jack wont be here for them. Sometimes I just want to cry and out pour but when it gets really bad I tend to clam up and crawl into myself. I am always at a loss for words during these times.October is moving slowly
Yesterday I was looking at Jack's pics at 530 in the morning. Everything he went through has resurfaced in my head alot more this month than usual. I broke out into a cry and with tears streaming down I said over and over again to his picture " I hope you know we loved you Jack. We loved you more than anything in the world."
My worst fear was Jack's lack of understanding at that age. He had 3 months at home and then we took him in for the worst experience and last experience of his life. I will always wonder how he felt during that time. He didn't know we were trying to help him. I worry that he felt unloved and betrayed after we gave this smiling happy boy to strange men and women that hurt him. I feel guilty all the time for trusting some of the medical staff, had I know the outcome I would have maybe taken him somewhere else that wasn't as nonchalant with his care.
You know how much we dream of the time machine, how we go back to different times, make different decisions until we finally get the outcome that will save our child's life. Everything is still the same yet it doesn't stop us from trying to change it in our heads. I wish I could have changed it for you baby, I wished I could have read your mind and know what you felt. I wish I could have gone through it all for you and spared you from it. I wish I knew for sure what you were thinking. I hope you know we loved you. Jack and Mummy forever
* Today is Pregancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day, please take a moment, light a candle, and honour the lost children*
We all dressed up last Halloween in black and white. Jack's little oufit said "Mummy's little Mummy"
3 comments:
Michelle there is no doubt in my mind that Jack knew he was loved. Always keep that in your heart. I will light a candle tonight at 7 p.m. Keeping you Codie and baby Jack in my heart as always. xo
What sweet photos <3
Michelle,
I can relate to the pain of wondering if our children knew that we were trying to help them. Isabella was literally dying in my arms and I could not save her. I pray everday that she knew tha if I could have saved her I would.
Thinking of you always,
Marisa
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