The PitFalls

Yesterday marked 3 days late for my monthly visitor. Although I am having a hard time dealing with Jack's upcoming birthday, I was hoping to also have some good news to report. I thought I might have a "ha Mummy I fooled you" moment like with Jack who was conceived just before I had decided to pursue my fertility issues but no such luck this time around.

When Codie got home last night we were full of excitement and anticipation. It was late but there was still time to rush to Walmart for a HPT test. He was all showered and ready to go at 9 30 last night. I went to the bathroom right before we were about to leave and then my heart sunk. There it was, no pregnancy- just a late period. The timing couldn't have been worse.

 We were so excited and had waited patiently for a few days just to be sure the test would be more accurate in detecting the pregnancy. I felt like this time my body was tricking me in a bad way while kicking me in the gut and laughing. "Ha ha fooled ya, its not gonna happen again" . I went downstairs crying and broke the news to Codie. He was trying to help and he said, "it will just take time." I snapped back, "I don't have time. I am 38." I really do feel like  the clock is ticking. I am even annoyed that I haven't received a phone call yet about my referral. Watch it take 3 months just to see the doc. I wouldn't doubt it with our health system.

All night after such a bloody disappointment I kept thinking what if it never happens for me, what if life/ fate/ something is saying I don't deserve to have children. I just don't want to live a life like that. That fate would be my worst hell.

OMG I miss you so much my baby. Jack and Mummy forever