All ABOARD!

Sometimes it feels as if everyone in the world is moving on in their life with their children and getting pregnant except me. Don't get me wrong. I am so happy to see their lives progress. I am happy to know they are pregnant and able to grasp some hope that life isn't just all grief and sadness and missing  lost children.  I really am glad that they are able to find joy in the their pregnancies and with the children they already have. My heart on the other hand is always shouting "what about me?"

Sometimes I feel as if I am at a train station called Limbo. The ticket master is yelling "All aboard!" and everyone is lining up and happily handing him their tickets and boarding the train called Future. I anxiously approach him with my ticket, nervously shaking as I hand it to him only to repeatedly here  those disappointing words. " I am sorry Mam your not allowed on this train." "Your ticket is only for that train over there." He points to the familiar yet darkened train called the Past. I plead with him, "but that train doesn't go anywhere; it only brings me back to this station over and over again!"  "There is nothing I can about that Mam, that's all your ticket will ever be good for."

So day after day with my head hung low, I watch the future train leave with all those happy faces peaking out the window looking forward to the unknown. As it departs with the last of my friends on a new path I am time after time left alone at this station. The startling silence after all have departed is unbearable and I am frequently left pondering. Do I stay here in Limbo in this awful quiet? Or do I kill some of my time that is forever standing still and once more board the Past train and take a ride down memory lane. It is a familiar  yet sad ride to what was and what I sometimes feel will never be again.

I lost our future tickets my baby, I am so sorry. I miss you so much. Jack and Mummy forever