Ive been told, "I don't know how you go on, I don't know that I could." This coming from what I like to call the "before people" meaning those that have not experienced loss. My reply at first to that was "I don't know."
After thinking about it, maybe trying to find that answer for myself rather then for them I realized that at first its the shock that ensures your survival. Right after such tragedy I was wandering around in a fugue or dream like state. It was like a nightmare that I thought I would wake up from. I thought it wasn't real and many nights afterword went to sleep expecting Jack to be there in the morning all safe and snug in his bassinet.
When that passes I was left in unbelievable and undeniable pain. That pain hasn't gone away, it is always there. I wonder will this pain ever go away, will it ever lessen. I don't know, so far it hasn't. Everyone is different, it may lessen yet it may not. During this time I ask myself why live a whole life suffering like this?
There are different answers for different parents of loss. The main reasons may stem from religion, family, other children and so on and so on. What underlies all that though is I guess hope. We still go to work, we still pay bills, we still watch our favourite tv shows, we still have family get togethers, go to memorials and honour our lost children, we still hope for more children. We still look for the person we were in that past life and hope that one day we will feel that same joy again.
In all the pain, in all the guilt, in all the roller coaster of emotion, in the disappointments, in the fear we still instinctively keep breathing and keep walking down our roads. So I guess the true answer to that question for me anyways is that truthfully living is a hard habit to break.
Missing you my piglet, Jack and Mummy forever
20 hours ago