Ive been told, "I don't know how you go on, I don't know that I could." This coming from what I like to call the "before people" meaning those that have not experienced loss. My reply at first to that was "I don't know."
After thinking about it, maybe trying to find that answer for myself rather then for them I realized that at first its the shock that ensures your survival. Right after such tragedy I was wandering around in a fugue or dream like state. It was like a nightmare that I thought I would wake up from. I thought it wasn't real and many nights afterword went to sleep expecting Jack to be there in the morning all safe and snug in his bassinet.
When that passes I was left in unbelievable and undeniable pain. That pain hasn't gone away, it is always there. I wonder will this pain ever go away, will it ever lessen. I don't know, so far it hasn't. Everyone is different, it may lessen yet it may not. During this time I ask myself why live a whole life suffering like this?
There are different answers for different parents of loss. The main reasons may stem from religion, family, other children and so on and so on. What underlies all that though is I guess hope. We still go to work, we still pay bills, we still watch our favourite tv shows, we still have family get togethers, go to memorials and honour our lost children, we still hope for more children. We still look for the person we were in that past life and hope that one day we will feel that same joy again.
In all the pain, in all the guilt, in all the roller coaster of emotion, in the disappointments, in the fear we still instinctively keep breathing and keep walking down our roads. So I guess the true answer to that question for me anyways is that truthfully living is a hard habit to break.
Missing you my piglet, Jack and Mummy forever
20 hours ago
6 comments:
I hate when people say that to me. My response is normally "I didn't really have a choice. If you were in the same situation, you wouldn't either and somehow, you'd just go on." Some days I don't even want to go on, but for some reason, I just keep trying.
Sorry people say stupid and hurtful things. I just think people need to think a little more before speaking.
Hugs to you!
At first when people would say that to me I felt like a bad mother. Maybe I am being to strong and people don't see how much pain I am in. Now I think that we go on for our children. The more people that I tell about her the better. My goal is to make sure that she is never forgotten, that is why I go on.
"You just DO...'cause life does go on & on & on....." has been my response for several yrs! Little do these people know or understand how many nights I have found myself for serveral hrs. with my knees wrapped up in my nightie; sitting in the corner on the floor for several hrs.....tears running down my face.....reliving the shock, anguish & everlasting hurt/anger of losing my son.
Mad at myself to allow these emotions to again be so prominent in my mind...5...10...15 yrs later!! The truth is..... " You just have to....having no choice!" Looking up at the sky...talking to the clouds...releasing the overwhelming feelings...imagining there is some connection still. Finally shoving these feeling back into my subconcious....where these sit uncomfortably....forever.
My heart is with you always my friend....having somewhat similar devastaing anguish (different circumstances) ....making myself see the positives in life thereafter. Perpetually making myself focus on yet the blessings I experience daily big or small. Always here for you in any way I can be Michelle...
Sincerely ...from the bottom of my heart....loving you always.....Barbara-Lynn xoxo
I hate that question. It is like well I have 2 options, live or die. I guess I'm not ready to die so live it is. Plus I am pretty sure our babes wouldn't want us to give up, at least I'd like to think that.
You put this so beautifully. I know its so hard to find hope. I have been searching everywhere myself for it. and I love what you said about looking for that person we were before loss, i resonate with that. even though I search and try I don't think my past self is coming back.
Love to you and Jack. xoxo
It is just that, living is a hard habit to break. You still need to pay bills, so you go to work. You still need to eat, so you do. You still need to laugh, smile and be alive, so you are. It is hard but it is what we do. Life will never be the same but we are still alive so we keep living.
Just one moment at a time and we will make it another day.
Hugs to you.
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