I haven't felt much like talking lately. It feels like words are struggling to get out. Its is scary how I can disappear into the depths of my thoughts and not or want to come out. I wish I could be like my husband and choose too or control my thought and emotions. After all this time I still drift into the bad times with Jack and try to change them to a better outcome in my head. I am still looking for a solution and a way to bring him back. I still fantasize . My husband avoids anything that might make him sad and I on the other hand swim in it; yet I still haven't accepted that I wont see Jack again in this life. The fantasy keeps me going in a way. I can practically live in my imagination and I worry that if I don't find something to anchor me here that eventually some day I wont come out. Its another reason why we really need a rainbow.
I had my HSG test, the results were both bad and good news. The good news is that everything looked fine and the dye shot straight through. The bad news is there still isn't a reason for our infertility and it may mean further testing. I am worried it could be my Hubby ( we wont find that out till our next appointment but in our last appointment the Doc didn't think it was him. My hubby has had to have physicals in the past for work and always had had a good medical history), or it could be me with a lack of good viable eggs on my part or maybe I am killing the spermies. Grrr who knows, there are sooo many things. We have to wait till mid January now until I get my next appointment with the specialist. He may order more tests but I think he will also prescribe me clomid just to see if that helps. I am not sure if that will have any benefit or not as he has tested me and it shows that I do ovulate but anything is better than nothing. It only reminds me further of what a miracle and a mystery Jack was.
As Christmas approaches I am more of a Bah Humbug. I have no excitement for the holiday like I used to and just don't care. We will have to go to the In laws house this year and put on fake smiles and do the whole socializing thing. There is only one thing I want for Christmas this year. One thing I will always and forever be wishing for. I want my Jack back. I miss you so much baby. Jack and Mummy forever
1 day ago