I haven't felt much like talking lately. It feels like words are struggling to get out. Its is scary how I can disappear into the depths of my thoughts and not or want to come out. I wish I could be like my husband and choose too or control my thought and emotions. After all this time I still drift into the bad times with Jack and try to change them to a better outcome in my head. I am still looking for a solution and a way to bring him back. I still fantasize . My husband avoids anything that might make him sad and I on the other hand swim in it; yet I still haven't accepted that I wont see Jack again in this life. The fantasy keeps me going in a way. I can practically live in my imagination and I worry that if I don't find something to anchor me here that eventually some day I wont come out. Its another reason why we really need a rainbow.
I had my HSG test, the results were both bad and good news. The good news is that everything looked fine and the dye shot straight through. The bad news is there still isn't a reason for our infertility and it may mean further testing. I am worried it could be my Hubby ( we wont find that out till our next appointment but in our last appointment the Doc didn't think it was him. My hubby has had to have physicals in the past for work and always had had a good medical history), or it could be me with a lack of good viable eggs on my part or maybe I am killing the spermies. Grrr who knows, there are sooo many things. We have to wait till mid January now until I get my next appointment with the specialist. He may order more tests but I think he will also prescribe me clomid just to see if that helps. I am not sure if that will have any benefit or not as he has tested me and it shows that I do ovulate but anything is better than nothing. It only reminds me further of what a miracle and a mystery Jack was.
As Christmas approaches I am more of a Bah Humbug. I have no excitement for the holiday like I used to and just don't care. We will have to go to the In laws house this year and put on fake smiles and do the whole socializing thing. There is only one thing I want for Christmas this year. One thing I will always and forever be wishing for. I want my Jack back. I miss you so much baby. Jack and Mummy forever
1 day ago
9 comments:
Michelle I have been wondering where you were. It has been a while since your last post, seems to me you need to keep writing at least it keeps you from falling into your thoughts, and taking comfort there. We need to read your words, no matter what they are. Glad to hear that things at the Dr's went good and lets focus on the good. Lets keep positive thoughts that the next appt. goes well. Please keep writing Michelle it is important for you and for those of us who take the time to follow your blog.
Keeping you Codie and Baby Jack in my heart. xo
Glad your appointment went well today--I'm in the same boat as you--if things look good, why aren't things working as they should??
I'm not sure if this will help, but I'm currently reading a book "Finding Hope When A Child Dies" and it's been helpful to me, because like you, I relive a lot of things in my head and try to fix them. This book has helped me to feel a lot more "normal" about doing this. I'm only 2/3 through the book, so I can't say for sure if I like it or not, but so far, I've read a few things that have been pretty helpful to me. It also talks a lot about how other cultures approach the death of a child--some is helpful, some is not and some is kind of strange. But, I will say that there are a few parts of the book that haven't made me feel better, but they have made me feel a little more normal and a little less crazy.
I got the book from the library--hopefully you can find it there, too.
Some say that fertility is increased for the 3 cycles following a HSG--let's hope that's true for both of us :)
Thanks Kate I'll look up that book. Thanks Jackie, for thinking of us xo to you as well. I hope Rosemary and your family has a good holiday.
Michelle,
I wish you had your little Mr. with you. I am so glad that you got to have him even though it was too short. He was special, a miracle, I look at his pictures and you can see what a happy little guy he is.
I don't know why our bodies fail us and why you are not finding a reason for your infertility. Maybe your body is just waiting for another miracle.
I am hoping for you. Sending you peace and love to get through the holidays. You and Jack will be in my thoughts.
Oh Michelle, i'm so so sorry for the loss of your beautiful Jack. What a smile! I read his story through tears, I'm just so incredibly sorry for all that he went through, for all that you went through. Jack was a blessing, just like my Liam.
We are on a similar journey with suffering loss and infertility and now IVF. It's a scary, lonely, sad journey but I am here following you along and wishing you so much strength and light.
Thinking of you and your beautiful Jack. x
Michelle - I'm sorry it's so hard right now. I have to agree with Kate about the book "Finding Hope When A Child Dies" (by Sukie Miller). Reading that book marked a turning point for me in how I thought about Elizabeth's short life.
Sending pregnancy thoughts and hopes your way <3
Michelle,
I can relate to what you are feeling right now. That escape that our minds can create for us is amazing until we realise that it is not permanent. I don't have any words of wisdon for you, I jsut want you to know that I am thinking if you, Codie and Jack always.
Glad to hear the HSG went well but like you said then what is wrong. Nothing having answers sucks. Hopefully you guys will get some answers soon.
The HSG is so uncomfortable isn't it? I had one right before I concieved with Amanda. Like December 15th and then concieved jan 1st. I'm thinking of you. I know how utterly desperate this feeling is. So very painful to have to go through this on top of already missing the little ones.
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