Ive have found bereaved parents who have been on slotted with love and support from friends and family and others who have not. Sadly I fall into the latter category. I do have some family and a few friends who are trying to walk me through this marathon of roller coaster grief . I would like to thank them for being there and for trying to understand. I know there are many that just don't know what to say but something is better than nothing at all. It lets me know who is still thinking of Jack; which really does matter. Even seeing a stranger stop by and visit and see his smiling face somehow makes me feel better. When someone comments on my blog I know that another person has gotten to know Jack or see him and it makes a difference.
During Jack's stay in the hospital and after it was disappointing if not heart breaking to find out who your real friends and family are. Who sticks by you and who avoids you like the black plague, who understands you and takes your grief in stride and who would rather sweep it under the carpet and pretend none of it happened. Its surprising to see some (not everyone) in religion that don't even practice what they preach and are complete hypocrites yet others that embrace all of it and give and give- sadly those are a select few. Religious or not it doesn't matter, what matters is Jack and keeping his memory alive. That's what important to me.
What Ive learned that so many people say call me if you need anything but dont mean it or just dont reach out and do something on their own. Grieving parents dont have the strength to reach out when they are falling , it should be others that extend their arms, grab hold and catch them before they fall. We were stunned that we didn't even get condolence cards from a majority of relatives- some primary relatives too. Whether, near or far, close or not-family is family and acknowledging Jack and showing respect was something I thought most would do when a member loses a child but I was wrong.
Of course when we were going through these extremely traumatic events in the hospital I should have learned.The ones that could have afforded to help us then when we needed it did not. I was reading a study and took some excerpts from it and the hard lessons some families learned about others when they lost a child.Thanks to all who helped me in Jacks time of need and to those who are helping after.If you stop by my site say hi to Jack, it lets me know he is seen and that for a second in someone elses life he has even been thought of.
excerpts:
A Neglected Majority:
Parents Bereaved by the
Traumatic Death of their Child
by Ronald C. Oliver, Ph.D., BCC
One harsh example from a recent interview comes quickly to mind. A couple of months after her baby died suddenly and unexpectedly the mother called a close friend who coincidentally is a psychotherapist. After bearing her soul the friend-therapist responded, "Listen, shit happens. You're going to have to get over this." The "friend" then ended the conversation. Mom was crushed. The call for help had been rejected and she felt both discounted and humiliated and even less eager to ever share herself again. Bereaved parents too often are compelled to separate themselves from anyone who imposes unrealistic expectations on the pace of their grieving. Often the only people who understand are other bereaved parents. In the presence of each other they extend grace to wonder, get cussin' mad, cry—all without any admonition to get over it.
The erosion of the support network can be a deceptive process. Supporters can feel like no care is required because they left with the parent the invitation, "Call me if you need me." The truth is that few of us in our pain will ever do that and even fewer parents possess the will to call for help at a time when they are emotionally depleted and filled with the temptation to withdraw from all but requisite relationships. In the care of bereaved parents, the initiative for care always rests with the supporters.
I recently interviewed a couple whose teenage son had died four years prior. The couple had been very active in their church—both held positions of leadership. After their son died in a freak accident, church members poured forth support—meals, calls, people in the home—for about two weeks. After that, virtually nothing. They stopped going to their church, no one called to see why. When church members stopped by the father's office at the bank where he worked as a vice-president to ask him when he was going to come back to church he shared with them how angry he was for being abandoned by them. Nothing changed. One day dad came home glad to see the youth minister's vehicle in their driveway. Dad told me what he thought, "Finally someone has come to check on us." As it turned out, this minister had stopped by because he wanted some advice because he was facing a surgical procedure similar to one undergone by this father. The father complained, "He never once brought up my son. He never once asked us how we were coping." These parents rejected all religious communities because, right-or-wrong, they felt rejected by what had been their religious community.
Dear Friends - written by Eloise Cole
Dear Friends,
If you were to ask me to measure the love I have
for any member of my family,
I would be hard pressed to answer.
Surely my love is higher than mountain tops
And deeper than the oceans
And broader than all the deserts in the world.
So too is my love for the baby who has died.
How can I be asked to pack away mementos and memories
and not speak his name?
He is and always will be a part of me.
No one can crate the depths of the ocean,
The breadth of the deserts,
Nor can my love be boxed and carried away.
Dear friends,
Please do not set limits on my grief.
Neither my love
Nor the depths of my sorrow can be measured.
I am unable to heal on a timetable set by another.
Weeks and months have no meaning
when set against the measure of my love.
Walk with me please, this difficult road of recovery,
I promise you I will heal,
When I have grieved enough for me.
I love you Jack my baby,my piglet my MR. You are the best part of me.Jack and Mummy forever.
