Jack:Your Blog

My love, I hope you like your blog. I am learning new things everyday to make it nicer for you. I am new to all this and since have discovered pages, tabs, pictures and organization etc I am moving in a few days and it will be awhile before  the next post. I wish I could say that being very busy is helping but instead I am so emotional that I cry over smallest thing. I am not handling stress very well these days. I also wish Daddy would stop procrastinating and clean out his closet and take the curtains down but he has always been a wait till the last minute person. He is a happy go lucky, no worries person just like you were. I always see so much of you in him. I hope you liked The Play Date and I hope Ive made this blog comfy for you. Your favourite colors were green and blue. You always favoured your green and blue toys the most. I miss you my Mr. Always thinking of you. Forever obsessed in the pure awesomeness that was you. Jack and Mummy forever

The Play Date

The Play Date

     Marisa and I have finally been able too take the time from our busy lives to enjoy a play date with the kids. Jack and Isabella have really gotten to know each other over the last few years, he is three now and Isabella is almost five and most of the time enjoy each others company. Isabella is striking with her dark long curls and pearl complexion, she is dressed in a pretty pink jumpsuit that looks quite durable for play. Jack on the other hand, well he is Jack. His hair no matter how much I cut it or comb it, is long and dishevelled with reddish blonde cowlicks sticking up everywhere. He's covered in dirt. Even when he isn't around dirt, it just has a natural attraction to him like a magnet. As always he is missing one shoe and one sock. I don't even know where they go anymore. He starts out with them at the beginning of everyday and somewhere in between these little magical fairies must come and steal them away, always just one foot.They vanish into the abyss as I never find them again.

    We are watching them tinker with their toys as we sit in the yard and soak up the sun and chat about our everyday lives when the inevitable happens. Jack being the little boy he is has done the most traumatic thing to a girl Isabella's age. We hear the unearthly scream "Jack NO!" . Jack has taken her most prized possession, her most favourite of all dolls and he has pulled the head off.  "Here we go" I thought. Isabella with lightening reflexes grabs the doll with such sheer force that Jack topples over onto his nicely diaper padded bum. Potty training has just started for Jack, the trials and tribulations of that will be a story to tell for another day. By now they are both wailing, Isabella in frustration and Jack in sheer shock. He is of course fine but oh the drama. We sigh, hide our smiles of sheer amusement over the whole event and decide it may be time to intervene.

     After hugs to calm both of them down we take them aside to have the whole "be nice to each other and share lecture." Jack is a man of few words, he is very capable in enlarging his vocabulary but at this time chooses not too. He only says two words for now, not Mummy, not Daddy; oh no he had pick the words that both Daddy and I say to each other. The words we absolutely detest when we speak to each other but still seem to say all the time. Especially when we are having a disagreement. Daddy hates when I always say whatever, and I hate when he says uhuh . I always know he is not listening when he utters that.

   I crouch down to look Jack in the eye, hoping that will capture his attention better,"Jack" I say in a stern voice, "taking Isabella's doll and breaking it was not a very nice thing to do." Of course he responds as I expect , "Whatever."  He doesn't know the meaning of the words yet , but just repeats them in accordance to everything. Of all words though, I am slapping my hand to my forehead now, and trying to think how to teach him these valuable lessons.  I point in Isabella's directon,"look you hurt Isabella's feelings and made her cry." I dont think he is grasping this yet. "Uhuh", he says. "Jack are listening to me?" "Uhuh"

 

    Meanwhile Marisa is having the same luck with the chat she is having with Isabella. Isabella's vocabulary by this time has far surpassed that of a five year olds. She is as smart as she is beautiful and she knows it. Although she doesn't fully grasp the meaning of the large words that come out her cute mouth. It is so amusing to hear it from a five year old though. "Jack was being unreasonable" , she cries dramatically in that "you'd think her dog died" voice that all little girls have. Marisa patiently says, "Jack is much younger Isabella he doesn't always understand what he is doing. "Yes but that's my baby"- her reference to the doll.  "Mom, he has demolished it." I am smirking, hiding the giggle isn't working by this time. Demolish, oh my I like that word it is so Jack. Marisa is struggling to keep her serious expression, " I think its very fixable Isabella." She gentley takes the doll and pops its head back on. " Ok now all better?" Isabella nods her head in agreement.

    I am still trying to keep Jack focused,  he is now eyeing a bird in the sky. "Jack I think you should say your sorry to Isabella." "Uhuh" this time he is  listening though and he turns to Isabella. Jack never actually says he sorry yet but he shows it. He gives Isabella a suffocating bear hug, he is very strong for his age and then he slobbers all over her. That's his way of kissing. Its hilarious to see him do it too someone else for a change. Poor Isabella. "Ok that's good Jack. I think she is happy now." He always goes the extra mile with his hugs and kisses and I can see the ewe grimace on Isabella's face.

 

    We have decided they have had enough of each other for one day. We discuss the next organized play visit with Isabella, my Jack, Megan, Gavin, Liam, Maddox, Tim, Jasmine, Ellie, Bee, Griffin, Adam, Margot, Evan, the other cute little Jack, Oliver, Brenna, and of course with Chey and Jerhid to help watch them all. We are hoping we didnt forget to leave anyone out. Have we bitten off more than we can chew? Probably,  but it will sure be pretty hilarious when they all come together. We say our goodbyes and as I leave my mind is still on the next play date. All those kids wah, afterwards I'm sure I'll be describing it as "The War of Worlds".

Jack and Mummy forever

We Like it Hot!

My love, I am packing away and anxiously awaiting summer in BC. Its past mid July now and I am still holding hope that the temps here will rise. I miss the sweltering summer heat of Ontario. I know you would miss them too. Like mother like son -you always liked it hot. I remember in the hospital when your core temp reached normal they took your bear hugger away. It was a whole body heating pad that went underneath you. You were soooo grumpy after that. I told them you were cold, that you were like me and liked to be hot. I always had on my winter coat in the PICU, it was much too cold for my likeing. They of course didn't listen to me and ran all these tests to see if a another complication had arisen, when nothing showed on their tests they finally gave you your bear hugger back and low and behold there was smiling Jack again. I remember the surgeon came in the next day to check on you and he said ," He is happy again?" I responded, "Yes; he's got his bear hugger back". The surgeon looked so astonished,"Wow seriously; all that for a bear hugger." They were always perplexed at how picky and stubborn you were. I found that very amusing. One doc called you a "momma suck", as you were so used getting everything you wanted and being picked up all the time. I miss you so much and wish I could have made you into the most spoiled little boy there ever was. I love you my "Mama's boy".

Jack and Mummy forever

Reality Bites

Daddy and I are busy packing and organizing the move. I hope that a change of scenery helps. As it is hard to pack up all of your things we do plan to set up your room again in the house. It will be nice to move into a whole house with a big backyard. We hope that at long last we will finally get summer weather  after we move. Warmer temps and less rain would be nice, especially since Mummy is so used the heat and humidity. Last summer we moved from Ontario to BC where Daddy grew up and I still haven't even gotten used to my new surroundings. I always thought I would be sharing this new experience with you but now I am adjusting alone. As each day passes I find that my need for you and my missing you just grows stronger. Ive heard that my blog is very hard to read for others but I would like to stay real. I know many would rather come to my blog and hear positive things like I am moving on or getting used this new normal, but that's not always the case. For those of you that haven't come to terms with loss and are struggling, your not alone, try to find some avenue of expression where your not worried about making others feel comfortable, it does help. Missing you my Mr, my piglet, with every fibre of my being. PS I am going to have to start recycling  your pics now, I wish I was an artist and could draw new ones.

An Every Day Occurance

What goes through my head every day is the way Jack passed. I just cant get it out of my head. It wasn't peaceful. He struggled to live till the bitter end.

 There is a good web page for athiests on  facebook called Grief Beyond Belief. I wrote in the Grief Beyond Belief facebook athiest page : "I would like to point out that how we deal or cope can also differ depending on which loved one passed, child, parent, grandmother and the circumstances surrounding that death and what age they were. Although we are athiests at heart our irrational side can sometimes grasp at straws to get us through the day. Like the movie The Rabbit Hole we may not believe in God and heaven but if you have lost a child sometimes you dream maybe theirs an alternate reality, maybe some other kind of evolution etc etc For me its a way of trying to keep my sanity after watching my child's last 2 months of life spent in pain that he didn't understand.Grief and the way we handle it is not noble not for a religious person nor is it for an atheist."

 My thoughts scream out mostly these days "half his face was gone, HALF HIS FACE WAS GONE, HALF HIS FACE WAS GONE!" Even the last nurses left that would handle his case, had a hard time with that. Being my child the whole experience was horrific. I think about his long drawn out pain everyday and that he didn't even understand why this was happening to him, the inside turmoil, the outside turmoil. I cant block it out like my hubby or just believe the meds made it all go away. I didn't leave the room or close my eyes. I helped change the bandages and stayed through the surgeries. I know pain meds don't cut it. Not for that, not for organ failure. Their are so many people that cant or wont put themselves in anothers place, they cant see anything from anyones perspective but their own. Maybe its a defense mechanism, one that I don't have. I sometimes feel so alone in carrying this burden.The burden of "pain".

I am so sorry my baby for everything you went through, I am so sorry, Mummy and Jack forever.

The Mime

Have you ever seen a Mime when he puts his hand infront of his face and when the hand goes up it reveals a smile and when the hand goes down it reveals  a frown. That is how I feel everyday; in fact I am getting used too the quick snap into pretend happiness when I answer the phone or see other people. Its like a switch that goes on and off. When someone asks how are you, I smile and say good. When Codie comes home I put on the fake face or when I go out. Why? because pretending is what we all do, no matter what is wrong in our lives their is  this set of rules that silently tell most of us how to act in public. How often have you seen a stranger cry in public during everyday events like shopping?  When asked how your doing how often have you given the answer on the phone "I'm not good, I'm shitty and  I always will be; how are you?" We constantly pretend we are happy and our lives our normal for the benefit of others. It seems all life has become is a pretend game. You would not believe how tiring it is to pretend you are normal and pretend everything will be ok in  your lives just so others can feel comfortable and don't run away. I watched the Rabbit Hole the other day and actually found it pretty bang on for Codie and I- especially the end, albiet there is lot more crying in real life for me anyway and except for the fact that real people also struggle with the financial burdens of these tragedies as well. PS contrary to what many think, normal middle class Canadians still have to pay Health Care Insurance up to 200 a month except for Ontario -it is only free in that province. In other provinces it is run by the provincial goverments instead of different companies, not everything is covered and when we cant pay it still goes to collections, our wages can be garnished and they can automatically freeze our bank account.

I ache for you my baby; Jack and Mummy forever

A Birthday Wish

Being that today is my Birthday, I have only one wish, sigh. After a 54 hour delivery Jack was born. The happiest day of my life and its the only thing I wish would happen again. Come back to me Baby, I wish for you. Jack and Mummy forever

The Before People

Our landlord called yesterday and asked if we would show our condo. We were hesitant but being that he was working in Vancouver we said sure. What a kick in the teeth as we opened the door and it was a young couple pregnant with their first child. They were due in September. As they looked around they noticed all the baby pics and Jacks stuff stored in his nursery- all packed up. They asked "oh do you have a baby?" Ugh, they were nice and like most people don't fathom what pics and packed up baby stuffy means. Codie had to say that we did and he passed away. I almost broke down right there but manged to hold it in till they left. All I kept thinking was don't scare the pregnant lady but it was too late. I'm sure thoughts like that hadn't dawned on her and now confronted by it I'm sure that's all she was thinking about after they left. Those thoughts had never crossed our minds as we were that happy couple last year looking for a place last August. Those our now very painful memories. I also oddly kept thinking; who is going to rent this place now with such tragedy surrounding it? Bad karma, I guess you would say. I severely doubt that young couple will. Yet at the same time I am not going to hide it. I will probably not take down Jack's pics till the day before we move and its obvious when you look around there is no baby here now.  Its weird how you want to hide these things from strangers because its just so awkward and yet at the same time you want to shout the world about your child's life and how much they mattered. There is no avoiding that excruciating pause of silence when these issues come up in face to face confrontations. There is also no avoiding the "before people", that's what I call the happy expecting couples and others who have not gone through loss. They were us, once upon a time in a fairytale. Needless to say the rest of the day I spent crying .
I miss you baby, Jack and Mummy forever