She Whispers

She had never had a good childhood. She grew up lacking the confidence to  know who she was and it was a question she still longed to have answered.

 When she was a teenager she read a book by Stephen King called the Talisman. It was about a little boy named Jack who went on a journey through a parallel reality of fantasy lands, he fought monsters, averted dangerous men and succeeded in finding a special talisman that would save his mother from Cancer. Love conquered all, he saved his mother and they lived happily ever after. After reading it she knew she would  name her first born Jack.

At 20 yrs old she wrote a message from Jack, he talked to her throughout her life before he was even born. It said,
 I am in the minds eye of a whole life that is to come, destiny befalls us all in the same way. The way we see it. Love Jack.

She never understood it and still doesn't. It still remains yellowed with age now posted to her fridge.

She never found the answer she was looking for as she made her made way through life. Who am I? It was not found in University, it was not found through work, it was not found when she married.

 At 37 years old she was pregnant, she knew right off that Jack was finally coming. After a tumultuous 54 hr delivery Jack was born. Her throat was parched, she was dizzy and almost faint from lack of sleep, loss of blood and from the morphine they had given her , the room was buzzing with  Nurses and Doctors from her complex delivery. She noticed nothing but Jack , warm and snugly in  her arms.

 She looked down at him and her question had finally been answered, the emptiness in her heart that she had so longed to fill was gone. She was at long last complete. She was a Mother. A few days later she found out that Jack was more than she had ever dreamed of.  He had Down Syndrome, she was going to get to be a very special mother, it was such a privilege. All her dreams had come true. He was her everything. She would finally get her happily ever after. Jack had saved her. Who am I? I am Jack's Mummy forever.

Five months later Jack died. He had a heart condition common in Down Syndrome children, his corrective surgery did not go well. Jack left her.

At 38 yrs old the emptiness has returned and spread.She tries to hard to fight it and tries to pretend its not there but it has almost swallowed her whole, consuming not only her heart but now her mind body and soul. To this day she still whispers,
Jack save me...


(*Jack's name was chosen 22 years before he was concieved. I chose his name from a fairytale about a little boy named Jack who went on a long journey to find a talisman and save his dying Mother.In the story he was often called "Travelling Jack". I waited a very long time for Jack and whipsered often "Jack save me". Finally the wait was over and when he was born he was more than I could have ever dreamed. 5 months later he became Travelling Jack, he left me. Again I wait hoping for his return and whispering still. )

Jack's LiL Heart

I still carry Jack everywhere with me, as I mentioned before his urn is very portable. When I go out he fits nicely in my big purse with his blankie and toys and at night he still sleeps in his bassinet by my bedside. Even if we were lucky enough to have another child we would get another bassinet as that is Jack's special place. Thank you Codie's Mom for buying Jack"s lil heart for us. Mummy and Jack forever

.

Old World Charm

We moved into an heritage house built in 1940. Aside from the spiders and other littler critters that come with an old house; it is beautiful with tons of character and so much wood. Codie and I are used to clean and new so its taking alot of getting used too but the house does have so much character. I wish you were here to enjoy the space with me my baby. There is alot of room for you to run and play and a big backyard. I am sure you would have loved it. Mummy and Jack forever.

On the go

Been hectic these past few days, I have 5 minutes before heading to Mission to do more fundraiser planning. Just stopped in to say I love you baby.


Every second
Every minute
Every hour
Every day
Every night
You glow in my heart and thoughts, with a light so bright

Jack and Mummy forever

Daddy's Little MR.

We went to a big pig roast fundraising event yesterday. It was amazing, someday in the future we would love to have one that big but for now we are planing just a little one, maybe for Halloween to raise funds and  donate in Jack's honour . We decided to do the BC Children's hospital first as they are trying to raise funds to build a better and more efficient PICU that will also have a bed for a Mummy or Daddy to sleep and a private bathroom. They were kind enough to give us an office to sleep in when we were there as in Jack's case we had to stay very close. They rarely had cases before like Jacks with all the sudden arising complications and they rarely had cases of a child staying that long in the PICU. Jack was a fighter, he surprised them everyday with his incredible strength and endurance.

OK I wandered off topic; at the fundraiser there was a tattoo artist and Codie's mom bless her heart offered to get one for Codie. I am not able to get one at this time, but I plan to one day. . It looks beautiful and now he can carry you wherever he goes. He did almost faint at one point, it was pretty hot in there and it was his first tattoo. I don't have any yet either. It says Jack Damian Wilbee my little Mr 10.04.10-03.03.11. He is so proud of you baby and tries so hard to make you proud too.

Mummy, Daddy and Jack forever

Canadian Badass Tattooing

Artist Derrick Sutton

What does easy mean?

Grief affects in many ways. Everything seems more stressful and less easy to handle and there is no such thing as being laid back and care free anymore. I have found even the small things get to you. Other than the obvious big stresses -the loss,  the heartache, the missing and the sadness other things that are hard are:

Opening packages: I find them like puzzles now; layers of frustration that you have to figure out how to open till you get the prize.

Following tv shows or movies :They are half over before I realize Ive drifted off to thoughts of Jack. My hubby usually makes some remark about the show or movie before I realize that I just missed everything that happened. I always have a tv show of my own now that plays out all the time in my mind. I cant seem to turn it off even when I want too.

Chores: I forgot Garbage Day AGAIN DAM! I now have a big smelly pile. I usually have to write a list now of everything I have to do the next day and even that doesn't seem to be working for the garbage.

Remembering: My memory sucks big time now, I forget appointments till I see them on the calender and rush too them. I am having a hard time learning new things now. My concentration is out the window and I cant seem to even memorize my address or phone number. Moving a few times doesn't help it any.

Socializing: that's a real struggle now and when I leave the house I now feel so outside of the comfort zone. Codie and I are always hesitant to meet new people now as that horrible question always comes up "Do you have any kids?" I don't get why people always ask. I always feel like saying "Do you see any kids?" Instead I let Codie answer. We don't want to deny Jack as he is/was and always will be our pride and joy, but we don't want to go over it all either. Codie normally says "Its a long story" then leaves it at that.

Facebook : its hard to go there now and I don't frequent it as often. I see all the happy comments that my before friends are making about their lives and their kids. I should just delete half of them as I don't hear from them now but as much as it annoys me, I am also still curious. Some did send me emails at first , one was a new mum. I just found it too hard to talk to her.  We lived similar lives for awhile until I ended up going down the road less travelled. She reminds of the would have, could have life.

Big Bad Comments : Many people say rude and ignorant things about the loss of your child. Its so true. Like "your not handling the loss with dignity". "Maybe you'll have another one" as if one could be a replacement for another. "At least he wasn't older" that one flabbergasted me. The all out jaw dropper that you wouldn't believe anyone would be ignorant enough to say let alone one of the closest people to you " Well he was retarded, its Gods way of weeding out the imperfections" I really do think something is wrong with humanity sometimes. 

Small annoying comments: These are more like when someone is very excited/emotional about something in their own lives and blurt it out without thinking about what they are saying or who they are talking too. Things like " I am so sad too; my dog died" or comparing ones loss to that of your own. Unless you have lost a child there just is no comparison. Some comments are annoying but not as hurtful as others and I now to take them with a grain of salt and I add in a dash of pepper for the ones that do hurt alot.

The Bailing: The people that get uncomfortable when you talk about your loss or mention your child's name. They don't want to hear that bad things can happen, they haven't danced with death and think just by talking about it that death may come a knocking in their own lives. They are afraid its contagious and usually these are the ones you don't hear from ever again. There are also the people who don't know what to say so they say nothing instead. Lastly the people that are just fine with hanging with you as long as you look and act normal, your child is regarded as taboo to them.

Holidays:  I dread them and I am not looking forward to any of them. Halloween is a big one, its always been my favourite. I dressed Jack up for Halloween in a cute little sleeper it said "mummy's little Mummy" Codie and I dressed up to match him and it was the only time we took him out the house to nannies little party. I do hope I will enjoy it again. Christmas Ugh, I really don't know how I will about that one either. Again we dressed Jack up in a little sleeper that nanny had got. He was all red and white with a little hat from his cousins that said "baby's first Christmas". The hardest ones being Jacks Birthday and his passing date, I am so thinking of these ones but trying not to face them until they come.

The Monotone: Other than the huge downs for me there are no more high ups. On the good days its just like walking a straight line, there are no more intense feelings of joy or happiness; at least not yet. I also don't enjoy my old hobbies as much like reading, nature, and sparkly things. I always loved to stare at sparkly things as well as wear them. Sparkly hair, sparkly makeup, sparkly clothes- some of my old obsessions just aren't there anymore and just seem so frivolous now.

Anywhos the list could go on and on that is if I could remember it all.Did I put memory on the list? Feel free to add to the list if you think of anything.

Always in my heart my MR. You were, would have been and always will be our pride and joy.Jack and Mummy and Daddy forever. ( He wanted me to add that in today to let you know he always thinks of you too)

Jacks Pics

I was playing with the camera today and found some more pics of Jack on an old memory card. They were of his stay in the hospital. Some of his favourite blankies, the spongee he loved so much, Me and Jack and his stuffies. I added some of them  to his Jack's  Pics page at the top of the blog.  The pics are not in order and they depict different times at home and during his hospital stay.

 Thanks again to all the blogger moms and your wonderful and understanding comments on my blog, your support is sooo appreciated. Once I get some curtains up I may post in a few weeks some pics of this place and its beautiful old world 1940's charm.

I watched your videos today my baby on the video camera, (their to much for my clunker computer to handle). I miss your happy squeals and grouchy growls. Always dreaming of you my miracle. Jack and Mummy forever

In Honour: Happy Birthday

These pics are for Finding My New Normals Son in honour of her sons passing and birthday. Codie picked the Cars balloon . Heartfelt Well Wishes to the family.

http://findmynewnormal.blogspot.com/2011/08/balloon-release-is-on-want-to-join-in.html

The Blanket

I know it may sound weird but I wish someone would cry with me. I wish I could see more tears for you Jack then just my own.Those tears that would say you made a difference and that others missed you too. I wish some others would have done more to honour you. Don't get me wrong, I am thankful for discovering the blogging community and the very supportive people I have met, they have helped. I am thankful for my sister and my friend Barb that call to check on me.I am thankful for Codie's mother and for the people I did not even know very well that tried to help. But I often wonder what happened to all the "others"? Most people don't want to be reminded of your struggle, they don't want to acknowledge it as heroic and something that should be honoured. They never did  do anything in your name. They would rather forget about it, run from it and move on with their lives. Daddy and I will always remember what a superman you were, you were a hero for many causes, you opened our eyes to that, we only wished others had seen that too.

Someone asked what grief was like for me, here is the answer. Grief for me is like a heavy blanket that I have wrapped around me all the time, sometimes its comforting and warm but most times its very heavy to carry around and can be smothering. Every one expects me to take it off, but I cant get it off on my own, there is nowhere to put it and  no one offers to carry this blanket for me.

I miss you my piglet, Jack and Mummy forever

Keeping Me

My hubby and I went to his Moms for the weekend, I think they have noticed since I have moved that I have gone a little backwards instead of forwards. I find it strange that things can start to improve like me finding enjoyment in somethings, eating, sleeping and just be able to handle the whole thing better and have different outlooks about it then all of a sudden everything comes crashing in and it feels like Jack had just passed yesterday and all that sadness and hopelessness is back threefold. Will this grief always come back full circle and punch me in the gut forever?
Anywhos although Codies family grieves very differently, Codie included ( they are very positive,happy go lucky people "sad " isn't in their vocabulary) they did notice that I am drifting away and tried very much on the weekend to keep me here in the living. They started talking on plans for a fundraiser for Jack. We decided we would first do one for the Down Syndrome Society. We talked about dates, Halloween and a haunted house theme came up but that could be a little to soon ( we still have bill catch up to do,  settleing in this new area and Daddy will be starting work next Monday in a new place with a new schedule only 5 minutes away so that will save on gas) next weekend we will plan a little more.
 I am a little hesitant as I have this fear that no one would show up and I would be severely let down again, to many people close to me really bailed on us through Jacks ordeal so I have major trust issues. My faith in humanity has really wained. Codie and his family still has some faith left though and they tried to make some plans for the future to keep me out of the past. Codie's mom has really been our rock, pushing us forward through these times.
Codie also tries to "keep me here". He always points out things that I wanted before all this happened, like  the keurig coffee maker that I wanted for Christmas. He tries to show me that I had interests before, hopes, dreams and goals and he tries to help me find that person again. He tries to keep me in the here and now with continuous talk of the future.

Its so hard for me to stay focused though when I still feel such a strong ache for you my baby. My skin itches to touch you again,my lips ache to kiss you, my nose burns to smell you, your hair always smelled so good, I even  still ache for your poop. My arms feel empty. I miss you so much my MR. Jack and Mummy forever.

I Thought

I thought the move would help but so far it hasn't, in fact I feel worse, more alone in this big old house with no memories of Jack. The move was ruff and I cried through the whole thing. I get stressed by the smallest things now like not finding what I am looking for. I cried when I couldn't find the straws in the droor. I was throwing things this way and that and saying to Codie they are gone, I put them in here and they're gone. He told me to calm down, he looked in the droor and moved some utensils and viola there they were. This happens alot to me. I get so flustered now that I just shut down.

The house is beautiful with its hard wood floors, the winding wooden staircase and all the wood trim. It has its problems of course- it was built in 1940 and is a heritage house. We just have to learn to share the space with the all the little critters that usually take up residence in an old house- a few mice, spiders, a big bee nest underneath the house ( we may eventually try and get rid of them) etc. There is tons of space and each room is a decent size. Only one bathroom and no dishwasher but its a fair trade for a big backyard and more room. I should be happy here. This is what I always wanted but without Jack it just feels empty. I look around and see all the things that Jack would have enjoyed in this house.

I don't think there is happiness left for me.I keep trying for Codie but I cant grasp it. I feel if it wasn't for Codie and the cats, I simply wouldn't be here. I couldn't bear the thought of putting Codie through more pain and suffering. I also have the kind of cats that would just die scared and lonely in the absence of their owner. They are very attached. I know I was happy before Jack, but now its so different, I always regretted that I didn't die with him but in actuality I really feel like I did. I dont apprecaite life more or the things around me, I detest everything. I hate life and I feel like a machine just going through the motions. Its been months now and I still don't feel anything but sadness. I used to love decorating,reading, watching outdoor animals scurry about, enjoyed movies and tv shows etc etc but now nothing , everything just falls flat. I often say that I want to go home. Codie doesn't understand that "home" doesn't mean here or Ontario or anywhere specific. Home is the past. Home is Jack

I miss you so much my baby, really and truly my everything Jack and Mummy forever