Travellin Jack

Jack was nimble
Jack was quick
Jack jumped over the candle stick
He jumped so high
he learned to fly

Over the hills and high into the sky
He soared over the deep blue sea
Until he heard his mother calling,
"Jack come back to me."

He returned to say,
"I love you Mummy, I had to die.
For that I am so sorry.
But know that now I am travellin Jack
and this is not the end of my story."

He gave her a smile that brightened her gloom
She kissed him on the cheek and said,
"I love you too."
Then away he flew
Up and on to his next adventure
Into the stars and over the moon

 I miss you baby, Jack and Mummy forever

What We Want

We should have seen a fertility doctor years ago but I guess we were so busy with work it just kept getting pushed back and time flew by. I knew I was very irregular with my periods but yet we were so intimidated by tests, procedures, and finding out that it may be more than we could afford. I guess I was also always afraid I would find out I was completely infertile. We were somewhat in denial.

Before I realized it; I was 36 yrs old and still no children of my own..I didn't realize then how much I had wanted to be a mother and we had resided to "if it happened great, if not we were still ok".  I kept asking the question of "who was I and what was it that I really wanted to do with my life but hadn't yet realized the answer". I had resided back then to the fact that I would always talk to Jack as my mythical baby and not for real. How ironic, that in the end it would only turn out the same.

I do remember thinking  in December of 2009, OMG I am 36 yrs old now,Ok no matter what the outcome I do have to go in soon and find out whats happening before I turn 37. I could kick myself now for not really taking it seriously sooner, I never thought about charting, mapping, or ovulating then, I never thought it might be as easy popping a pill. I guess because I just wasn't completely ready yet. Duh, yeah I know who waits till their 36 yrs old to be ready for children. I always thought -yes I want my own kids but maybe we should be more stable first, life isn't perfect enough yet for that responsibility, we should wait for the house with the white picket fence first. Anyway there was always a reason why I didn't pursue it with more ferocity. We did try for  years,  I wasn't on any birth control the whole time but I guess we didn't try hard enough. Codie says if we hadn't of let time slip by then it's possible we wouldn't have had  "our" Jack. There was a purpose to our wait and see method, I just hadn't realized it.

In January of 2010, the wait and see was over, I didn't have to pursue it further as Jack was conceived. When I got pregnant I realized how much I had actually wanted a child, when Jack came it was the most incredible experience of my life and now there is nothing I want more than to be a Mother.

 What is funny is how Jack took us totally off guard. I keep trying to remember what I did right then and the only thing I can remember is that it was the most unlikely time. I was really stressed and busy with work, sick as a dog with a bad cold that started a month before he was even conceived, Codie had been laid off due to the recession, we were complaining about the noise level of our partying neighbours and bickering between ourselves over the usual mundane things stress, life,money, etc.

 Then "Surprise Mummy, fooled ya-I'm here now". Even then Jack loved to do the unexpected.The mischievous grin I always saw on Jack's face before he did something that shocked everyone; well now I can even see it on that little sperm as it penetrated the egg.

Now I am 38 yrs old, there is no longer time to "wait and see" and we are no longer ready to settle for "if it happens great and if not we are still ok". Now we  anxiously wait for our referral to see a fertility Doctor. Since Jack's birth I have been alot more consistent with my getting my period; so we are now doing the best we can with the whole timing thing at home too.

Jack gave us the answers and showed us the miracle.We know who we are now and what we want most out of our life together. We are parents.

I love you my baby, my miracle. Jack and Mummy forever.

The Ball is Rolling

We have put in a referral for a fertility doctor. I have also started the complicated charted and mapping. I am  testing for lh surges to chart ovulation when we can afford it. The tests in Canada at Walmart are pretty hefty in price. Seven tests for 45 $. If you can predict around when your ovulating its not so bad. Then you only have to use 2 maybe 3 sticks a month. I on the other hand detected a surge on the 10th and 11th of one month- I think that was May when I tried it and now in Sept my surge was detected on the 16th and 17th of the month .HUH. I cant afford to test every day and other methods of detection have also been a little unreliable. HMMM Hopefully the doc will help with all that. I am not good at this, it almost seems like a numbers game. It seems rather confusing to me.

Also I do have to make sure I am ovulating. Just because the lh is detected doesn't always mean you release an egg. My regular doc thinks the prognoses is good now because after Jack was born I started to become very regular. Before Jack was conceived I had light, short periods and sometimes no period at all. We haven't had any success yet though, so maybe the fertility Doctor will find some other problem. Who knows, I'll just have to wait and see.

Love you baby, Jack and Mummy forever

I'll Never Say

I was talking to a friend the other day and she touched upon a word that I am very sensitive about. Its the reason I have yet to post a Lillypie time calender marking how long its been since Jacks passed; because it says its been ....... since we said goodbye. She said to me it must have been so hard to say goodbye to Jack. I snapped back that I didn't say goodbye in fact I will never say goodbye. I didn't mean to snap and she knows that and she understands that weirdly I have yet to accept Jack passing. Maybe I never will, maybe I will always be waiting and hoping right until my own death.

What I did say or rather moaned, screamed,pleaded and begged in the palliative care home for 11 hrs and 40 minutes while holding Jack was "Jack, I love you. Don't leave me, don't leave me Jack. Pee for Mummy,please baby please just pee for Mummy." I was hoping for a miracle and even the doctors knowing that his kidneys were completely gone thought maybe Jack could pull it off. They had come up with an emergency back up plan in case he did pee in the palliative care home where he would be rushed back for all life saving treatment. Not even Jack's incredible will to survive was enough to fix his kidneys.

Among others - Jack's pain control nurse and our nurse Heather from the PICU; there was also  a doctor/ councillor- (in fact I cant remember what she was)that was present in the room with us, she was really in our faces alot and always kept trying to give us unwanted advice. She said " tell Jack it's okay to die, say goodbye." In my mind I screamed "Its Not Okay!" gave Jack to Daddy and lunged at her to strangle her with my bare hands. In actuality I only growled with vehemence, "Get out, get out now!" and she quickly made her exit.

I held Jack tightly, every once in awhile sharing him with Daddy. He continued to labour with his struggle to keep going and I continued to beg and repeat over and over how much I loved him. As I held Jack at 11: 40 pm  Daddy leaned over him, kissed him gently on the cheek and as the tears streamed down his face he whispered in Jack's ear, "I love you Jack. Its okay to die." Jack exhaled one last time, listened to his Father and never took another breath.

I refused to say goodbye then and I still to refuse to say it now. I still beg, I still plead and sternly I say "Its not ok Jack, listen to Mummy, come back !" I will never accept that it was goodbye. Heaven and angels and all that have nothing to do with this or my complicated way of thinking. I have faith in only Jack.Call me in denial, crazy, not accepting of his death, your probably right but there are no goodbyes for me, only  waiting. Someday, somehow just maybe....... I believe in you baby.
Jack and Mummy forever

The Birthday

Jack your birthday is coming up, its Oct 4th and even though there are still at least two weeks to go its all I can think about. I keep thinking about what you would be like at a 1yr old. Would you be crawling? I know you would not speak but would be very vocal in noises or very quiet? What would your hair be like? Would it be light or have gotten darker? Would it  have grown even longer?Would you still be small or would you have plumped by now. Would you still have a piggy nose? Would you be even more eccentric? So many things- I wish I knew..... Always thinking of you and wishing for you Mummy and Jack forever

A Prayer For ALL People

In relation to my last post I wrote this:


A Prayer For ALL People

I pray to the people that we all grieve as one
That we have respect for ALL parents that have lost a daughter or son
I pray one day I wont have to pray
That we the people will grieve,honour and remember in every way
That there will be no assumption of belief
No atheists, no religions
Just one common grief
No talk of heaven or hell
There will only be open arms of support
And talk of our dead in which we do dwell
I pray you the people will listen to what is true
That sad hearts become one heart that is whole
and not one heart that becomes two

The Grief Meeting

I went to a Compassionate Friends meeting last night and although I thoroughly enjoyed spending time with the two younger mothers of loss that went with me; I wasn't impressed with the meeting itself. Me and the two other mothers that  went together were the only ones there under fifty years of age. Almost everyone else that came were older parents grieving the loss of their grown child. I know that at any age its hard to deal with but I don't think we should have been grouped together, it's just not the same. One woman's daughter was 51 yrs old when she passed and all I felt was anger towards her. I know it was inappropriate and she is taking this loss just as hard but at the same time I just wanted to scream at her. I kept thinking at least your child got to grow up, at least your child lived a full life, got married, had children etc. What I would have given for Jack to have those 51 yrs. I guess I just wasn't feeling very compassionate about it. The meeting only reminded me of how unfair it was.

 It also didn't start well as they lead the group with  a bible prayer. I do understand that helps many people but yet no one is respectful of my beliefs. The assumption was made that everyone believed in the same thing which just isn't right. They never once thought their could be non- believers there or people with different religions that didn't believe in God in the way they did. Personally I just think its very ignorant and disrespectful to assume everyone is of the same belief or religion. I think in a grief meeting that should be left out of it.

There was a grief counsellor there that asked me if I had any other children, I said no I am 38 and it took us five years to have Jack. Unbelievably her only response was "Wow I don't know what to say to that". Of all people I thought she may be able to give me some words of wisdom but she sat there speechless and only made me feel worse. I wonder sometimes if these people have any real training. She never said one word at the meeting to anyone, just sat there with a dumbfounded look on her face.

During the meeting I got the impression they had really accepted their loss as permanent. I kept thinking that I just didn't belong there. I will never accept it. I will fight it all the way. Even though I don't believe in God, or heaven or anything else I still have faith in Jack. Jack is different, you would have to have seen everything he overcame to understand how different he was. I will always hold out hope that if anyone could somehow scientifically survive death it would be Jack. If anyone could find a way to continue on and find a way to come back it would be Jack. My travelling Jack. Anyway I just felt out of place and kept quiet most of the time. A few people did express interest in seeing his pictures and commenting on his amazing hair and that did help.

I also feel that I just don't have the strength to give much support in return, especially with a large group.

Afterword; I did however have a very good chat with the other two younger mothers who had lost their children as infants. We could really relate to one another and I think we will get together again. The one mother is going to try and organize a meeting with more people we can relate too, that or we may try splitting the meeting up between losing a young child and losing an adult child. Its not that we are insensitive to their grief but we do feel that our situations are different. So much for my "out loud" moment. At least I met two wonderful women and I am sure we will get together again.

I love you baby, my everything, I still have faith in you. Mummy and Jack forever

The Fundraiser

Ive got a copy of the flyer written up for your fundraiser baby. We are going to have it a nanny's house. I had posted an add in craigslist for decorations for the fundraiser but got only three replies so we are going to have it in Mission. Her house is bigger and more open and she is a fantastic haunted house maker. We think it would be more more of a success there as she has lived in the community for years and knows alot of people. We are going to print the flyer on fancy Halloween paper and put them up at the beginning of October all over her area and ours too. I would like to thank Jean, Catherine and Robert for their responses and contributions. I am sure Jack would have been so proud of his nanny for all the support she has and continues to give us. She is working very hard for you baby to make this a big and special event.Ps it wont post right here. It seems the format gets messed up every time I publish it but you will at least get the jist of it.

LIL JACK'S HAUNTED

HOUSE

04,10,10-03,03,11

YOUR INVITED, to tour our Halloween Haunt. Come get spooked and receive an early candy treat. BOOTASTIC fun for children !

Please come and give any donation to our jar

All donations will be given to the BC Children's Hospital in Jack's name for their new Pediatric Intensive Care Unit

Where:32749 Adams Ave Mission BC

When: 5pm till 10:00 pm OCT 28,29,30
In honour of Jack Damian Wilbee

*Jack was born with Down Syndrome (trisomy 21). We couldn't have been happier, he made our lives rich with his unique and very funny personality. He had AVSD a heart defect which is one of the health defects common (50/50) to Down Syndrome children. His operation did not go well. He passed at almost 5 months of age after 2 months of complications in the PICU. This is a birthday tribute to him.

Mummy, Daddy & Jack Forever

*As children will be present no smoking please*

http://myonlybabydiedmar32011.blogspot.com/

Only US

Last night our cable and Internet went out. We are still catching up and climbing back up the mountain.My hubby calls the accounts receivable guy and says "We have no cable or Internet is our account suspended? No, your sure? Look again? Really! its just a technical problem? Hey hun good news, we had an earthquake." For the first time in forever I broke out laughing and could not stop. When my hubby realized what he had said he started laughing too. I don't know how the guy on the other end of the phone kept a straight face . They are sending a guy Wed to take a look as our cable and Internet are now intermittent. We laughed for quite awhile over the fact that we were happy with our bad luck.
Welcome to the Wilbees
Love you baby, missing you with every breath. Jack and Mummy forever

Without Words

For the first time in a long time my baby I am left without words. There is just no word in any dictionary that could describe how much I miss you. Daddy and I met a teenage boy with Down Syndrome at the grocery store, he was very handsome and very courteous, it left us dreaming of the future we missed out on. We always dream of what  you would have been like. We do not glamorize it as we know it would not have been easy especially with your very stubborn ways lol but you would have made it all so worth it. We always picture what you would have been like all grown up. A little plump, that wonderful mischievous smile always spread across your face, probably very short and with a huge mop of hair on your head. Daddy says we would never have shaved off that beautiful mane. Always getting into trouble and always making us laugh.Without words we dream always. I love you my MR.

Jack and Mummy forever

Out Loud

Jan the cardiac nurse at the hospital gave us a call last week to see how we are doing. It was so nice to hear from her and know that others are still thinking of us. Codie and I have always been very shy, private people. We were always each others best friend and are not very good at socializing. In the hospital they really understood that and got used to our fear of strangers. Because we there for so long the hospital staff became our friends, they substituted for our family and became the people we were comfortable with. It sounds weird but we often have the urge to go back to the PICU and just hang out, its where we know we feel Jack's presence the most and we miss the people that touched our lives. We are so thankful that Kim and Heather, the PICU nurses came with us to the palliative care home. We would not have made it through that without them. Even a doctor off duty came by from the PICU to check on Jack a few times.

 Jan gave me some contact info for a counselor and another mother of loss. I know I need to talk to them, I know it would help, but its so hard for me , even normally I wasn't much of a conversationalist.

When Jack was born he gave me the courage to open up my world, I became a stronger, better person.He showed me so much with his pure robust for life and his charismatic personality. I met with docs, nurses, met with people to organize all his therapies and planned all these outings for when he got better so he could interact with the world. I wanted to take him everywhere and show him off to everyone. I wanted to take advantage of every resource there was to encourage his development as well. I feel like all that courage is gone now, I have to fight the urge to crawl into a hole and cut myself off from the rest of the world. Type , type, typing is easy when no one is on the other end, its talking out loud that is still so hard.

I miss you my baby, my hero and I am trying for you. Mummy and Jack forever