Up Date

So far now our fundraiser hasn't been overwhelmingly successful, but every lit bit counts and we have raised 287.00 so far( I know there  are some mail ins too by others in Jack's name). We put it in the paper, distributed flyer's, and had a volunteer on a busy road walking up and down with a sign. We even have lots of traffic on our street but yet no one stops in. Well we will see, we still have tonight. We would run it Halloween but we don't know how to manage it without the volunteers. The kids that are helping deserve to have their own Halloween plans they have tried pretty hard and the adults have to take their own kids out that night. We will see how tonight goes. I'll post most more next week. I have to thank Codie's Mom she really has put so much effort into this and the house is really amazing. The people that have come were floored at how amazing it was. They all had a very good scare. We even had a few yell the ice cream the safe word and could not continue. The kids love it though. I am keeping positive and in the end at least we and the people that went through had a great time.  Either way I know Jack would be proud of us for trying!Wish us luck tonight! Love you baby Jack and mummy forever

I HOPE

 I am sitting here all dressed up and ready to go, I'll be leaving soon for my first night at our fundraiser. This green hair spray paint itches. I hope it doesn't run in the rain. Yes its pouring out of course. Holy crap I am so nervous. I have been having these terrible nightmares all week of standing out front looking off forlornly into the dark and empty night with the sad realization that no one has or will be showing up. I guess because of my family I have a real lack of faith in humanity now. I ask myself -Am I ready for this? Have I been setting myself up for yet again another let down? I hope not. Sometimes life has seemed like one huge disappointment after another from loosing Jack, to lack of support, hell sometimes I am even disappointed with the blog.  I think why did I even start this nobody gives a crap. Can you tell how nervous I am? -eek.I'll post pics next week  and info on how it went and what we raised. I hope it all turns out okay, I hope. I love you baby, I miss you. Jack and Mummy forever

JACK'S LIL HAUNTED HOUSE

When we were in the hopsital with Jack we slept in chairs by his bed and lived in an office next to the PICU.

The new PICU will not only be more equipped to handle severe health needs but will also provide beds and washrooms right in the facility so that parents are able to stay by their child's side.

BC Children ’s and BC Women’s Redevelopment Project got underway in September 2010. This project will see the construction of a major new acute care and diagnostic services hospital and other improvements to the Oak Street campus, to ensure that Children’s and Women’s have the facilities they need to maintain the highest standards of patient care well into the future. BC Children’s and  Sunny Hill Health Centre for Children, agencies of the Provincial Health Services Authority, provide expert care for the province’s most seriously ill or injured children, including newborns and adolescents.

The Relocation, Renovation and Demolition (Phase 1) of the BC Children"S and BC Women's Redevelopment project in Septmenber 2010.
The Redevelopment Project is expected to take six years to complete and has been organized for implementation in three phases:
　
Relocation, Renovation & Demolition (Phase 1)
Phase 1 includes site preparations for the new hospital and additional space for the UBC Faculty of Medicine MD Program and construction of a new clinical support building and free-standing child daycare centre.
Since September 2010, three new Neonatal Intensive Care (NICU) beds have been added.
　
Construction of the new Acute Care Centre (Phase 2)
The new Acute Care Centre will contain:
New Emergency Department,
Sterile Processing Department;
Medical Imaging Department;
New 70-bed Neonatal Intensive Care Unit and labour/delivery suite;
28 Bed Pediatric Intensive Care Unit;
Three floors of private rooms for inpatients including one floor for a 27-bed oncology unit with adjacent oncology outpatient programs;
Additional underground parking stalls and
Additional academic space in new clinical spaces.
Renovation & Expansion (Phase 3)
Phase 3 includes renovations to the existing hospital buildings for use by BC Women Children
Based in Vancouver, BC Children’s and Sunny Hill reach across the province with vital health services that may not be available anywhere else in B.C. They provide specialized training in pediatric health care and work with renowned researchers to achieve better health for children and youth. As academic health centres, BC Children's and Sunny Hill are affiliated with the University of British Columbia, Simon Fraser University, Child & Family Research Institute, and other education and research institutions.’s and BC Women’s are recognized for providing high-quality patient care. Although Children’s and Women’s provides excellent care, existing hospital facilities were not designed to accommodate the latest medical technologies or the current volume of patients, which increases every year.

If you would like to donate in Jack's name and would like to let us know send me an email mmmfisher2004@hotmail.com to get our address, then click this link http://www.beasuperhero.ca/donateNow.cfm and donate under tribute gift. The hospital will then send us a letter  letting us know of your tribute gift.

I love you baby, Jack and Mummy Forever

The Moth and the Butterfly

Ive noticed alot of people using the butterfly as a symbol for their child after death. They see butterflies and or release butterflies and it reminds them of their lost little ones.  I don't actually see Jack as a butterfly. He  always reminds me more of a big hairy moth. 

 A butterfly is flashy; it's beauty is very apparent. Yet with a moth you don't see that beauty right away. At first when a big hairy moth flies out we are afraid of it or shocked but if you really stop to take a closer look you will see its strength of character, its beautiful markings, its silky furry body and then realize that it is just as beautiful as a butterfly -maybe even more so.  Jack was also a very hairy kid lol. Someday maybe I'll have a big hairy moth release and watch them all fly erratically and mischievously get into every one's hair and clothes.

 I would have loved to dress you up as a big hairy moth with wings for Halloween my baby. I think Daddy would have insisted on something more traditional . Either way you would have been the cutest dressed up baby ever.

Love you so much. Jack and Mummy forever 

*Whether it was how your baby looked, their personality, how they were in your tummy or just how you would have pictured them; do you have something that represents your child or reminds you of them ?

Where Demons Dwell

 

Halloween is coming and Ive been thinking alot about demons lately.We all have demons. The question is how much we let them consume us. After the loss of a child those demons tend to haunt us as we think, "why did this happen to me? Was it retribution for something I did in life?" Loosing a child is much like hell on earth. It haunts us, it eats us up inside.

We also are able to see other peoples demons alot easier, they show through and come out of the ones closest to us. We see their demon come out in every ignorant and insensitive comment they make. We now see in others that their demons have consumed them and there isn't much of "them" left. We wonder alot if they were always this way and we just didn't see it. We break bonds and loose ties in fear of those demons. We have enough of our own and we don't need to deal with anyone elses.

Grief can be overwhelming; in a way it is also a demon pushing us down and consuming the very fabric of who we are. We are always on a quest now to find our "soul" again and find out who we are now and how to deal with it. We sluggishly keep going everyday fighting our own demons even when hell bubbles up within us and tries to take us over.

Are there demons, vampires, ghost, ghouls and goblins in this world. Of course there are. They are in all  of us. I am sure there are werewolves too and maybe even a witch.

I love you baby, you can haunt me any way you would like. Jack and Mummy forever

Where Demons Dwell

Here beneath where spirits convey

Is where one knows what they may say

This place of none where Demons dwell

A darkened coven and unholy cell

A given answer black and pitch

The darkened secrets not dealt with

As known to many of sadistic pain

The answer lies in Satan's reign

A hatred suffered by only possessor

That comes not from heart, but angry gesture

All in which the red fire rose

Higher and higher as loathing grows

Stop! Wait! Turn negative to pros

Prevent this muster of fateful woes

Too late a plea became bestowed

Now the time for rage did explode!

Sent down a soul where spirits convey

Only celebrated on Demon's Day

A doom unto this soul befell

A torture only time will tell

Where spirits moan and Demons dwell

Screaming of their place in Hell

By MW

Remembering All The Lost Children 10/15/2011

I Love you Jack! I miss you baby! Jack and Mummy forever

Hard Hit

 I haven't posted as often this month. Its been very difficult for me. Its been a very hard month so far with Jack's birthday, and the reminder that all the holidays are coming and Jack wont be here for them. Sometimes I just want to cry and out pour but when it gets really bad I tend to clam up and crawl into myself. I am always at a loss for words during these times.October is moving slowly

 Yesterday I was looking at Jack's pics at 530 in the morning. Everything he went through has resurfaced in my head alot more this month than usual. I broke out into a cry and with tears streaming down I said over and over again to his picture " I hope you know we loved you Jack. We loved you more than anything in the world."

My worst fear was Jack's lack of understanding at that age.  He had 3 months at home and then we took him in for the worst experience and last experience of his life. I will always wonder how he felt during that time. He didn't know we were trying to help him. I worry that he felt unloved and betrayed after we gave this smiling happy boy to strange men and women that hurt him. I feel guilty all the time for trusting  some of the medical staff, had I know the outcome I would have maybe taken him somewhere else that wasn't as nonchalant with his care.

 You know how much we dream of the time machine, how we go back to different times, make different decisions until we finally get the outcome that will save our child's life.  Everything is still the same yet it doesn't stop us from trying to change it in our heads. I wish I could have changed it for you baby, I wished I could have read your mind and know what you felt. I wish I could have gone through it all for you and spared you from it. I wish I knew for sure what you were thinking. I hope you know we loved you. Jack and Mummy forever

* Today is Pregancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day, please take a moment, light a candle, and honour the lost children*

We all dressed up last Halloween in black and white. Jack's little oufit said "Mummy's little Mummy"

Thanksgiving

Codie's family was over last night for Thanksgiving. There were 12 people altogether in our little dining room/kitchen. Codies' nieces and nephews, sisters,spouses and mother all congregated to enjoy my festive dinner.  I always have the strongest feeling  like something is missing.

When everyone is here I always picture Jack participating in these family events. I am struggling to eat my dinner while feeding him at the same time. He is in the highchair next to me. His feeding therapy sessions are coming along but it is still quite a task. As I try to force veggies down his gullet with the baby spoon he is frowning and turning his head from side to side. "Me" he says than signs the word "white." " Me white". "Me white." By this time I am an expert at Jack lingo. Me is the only word he speaks aloud so far. It is short for Mummy. His sign language is progressing faster. "White" is Jack lingo for vanilla ice cream. His favourite. "Me white!" Mummy ice cream!! He is a smart little cookie and he knows there is always desert at these family fests.  Of course Jack would prefer that before he eats his dinner.

I turn away just to see if I can swallow down more of my own food. My husband looks over and cryptically yells, "Oh no! he is smiling!" We all know in Jack's world that this particular smile means only one thing. Disaster is about to strike. I turn back quickly but not soon enough. Jack's bowl has already hit the floor and
with one swoop of his mash potato filled hand the dining room table and every ones plates are covered with his mashed potatoes. Here comes his high pitched squealing laugh of delight. Of course it doesn't help that every family member is laughing  too. They love to encourage  him. He gives me a victorious look and says again "Me white." He knows he has won.

I knew soon after Jack was born from his odd and eccentric ways that he would be a handful, that he would push me to the limit everyday. Life with Jack would have been stressful but also exciting, loving, fulfilling and an amazing adventure. I knew as well that he would be one spoiled little hellion. The kind of kid that would have you pulling your hair out by the roots.
That always makes me smile.
I wouldn't have had it any other way.
I miss you baby. Jack and Mummy Forever

We Formed A Circle

We had our second grief meeting yesterday. They had changed the meeting after getting alot of feedback. There was no prayer at the beginning and there was alot more diversity in cultures and ages. We all sat in a circle this time and told our stories. For the first time I told our story out loud instead of handing everyone a sheet of paper with it all written down.

We talked about family and how alot of people didn't understand. I told them about my family and that I had also spoken to my Mother on the eve of Jack's birthday, that she said we had been grieving for to long, we needed to get over it and that we needed a reality check. When I gave her a piece of my mind my Aunt jumped in and once again it was all about how poorly my Mom was being treated. She always demands a pity party for herself , my family may still partake in it but I am out. You should love your children unconditionally and sadly she doesn't. She only loves you if go along with her way of thinking and that everything should be all about her. All my life I have been catering to my moms poor me attitude and I just cant do it anymore. That was the last straw for me and my Mother is no more to me. I told them how she regarded Jack as a thing and not as a human being who had a life. I was surprised to find out that many of them had and are dealing with the same thing.  They as well had cut the people once closest to them out of their lives.

We shared, we cried, we vented and listened.  A circle of death was formed that night from Cancer to accidental overdose to heart defects to syndromes to SIDS but as well a circle of life was formed. Our lives.

Thanks to everyone who had wished  Jack a Happy Birthday and who were thinking of him.
I love you my piglet, Jack and Mummy forever

Your First Birthday: OCT 4th 2011

Tomorrow is your first birthday Jack. I can imagine how amazing it would have been. I see kids everywhere and tons of presents. I see you opening your gifts with Mummy's help and being more preoccupied with the box it came in. I see you eating chocolate cake, or rather wearing it all over your face with big chunks of icing caught up in your long red golden hair. I see the wheels turning in your head that start with that mischievous grin as you think of what endeavour of trouble you can get into next. I see that smile spread as you figure it out and from your highchair drop a big pile of chocolate cake on your cat. I hear that squealing laugh that lets me know you are so pleased with your accomplishments. I see you loving life as much as we love you.

Reality sinks in. Daddy and I will have a cake for you and light a candle. It will be quiet, there will be no gifts, there will be no you. Its seems so sad that any parent should ever have to celebrate their child's birthday in such a way. We will love, honour and remember you as we do every second of everyday. We will hope that somewhere someone else is doing the same. What matters most baby is that your birth changed our lives. For the time that you were here you brightened our lives like a shining star. You were, are and always will be the most amazing thing that ever happened to us. My baby; we love and miss you so much.

 I will say today as I will also say tomorrow. Happy Birthday Jack, my love, my MR, my piglet, my everything. Mummy, Daddy and Jack forever

The PitFalls

Yesterday marked 3 days late for my monthly visitor. Although I am having a hard time dealing with Jack's upcoming birthday, I was hoping to also have some good news to report. I thought I might have a "ha Mummy I fooled you" moment like with Jack who was conceived just before I had decided to pursue my fertility issues but no such luck this time around.

When Codie got home last night we were full of excitement and anticipation. It was late but there was still time to rush to Walmart for a HPT test. He was all showered and ready to go at 9 30 last night. I went to the bathroom right before we were about to leave and then my heart sunk. There it was, no pregnancy- just a late period. The timing couldn't have been worse.

 We were so excited and had waited patiently for a few days just to be sure the test would be more accurate in detecting the pregnancy. I felt like this time my body was tricking me in a bad way while kicking me in the gut and laughing. "Ha ha fooled ya, its not gonna happen again" . I went downstairs crying and broke the news to Codie. He was trying to help and he said, "it will just take time." I snapped back, "I don't have time. I am 38." I really do feel like  the clock is ticking. I am even annoyed that I haven't received a phone call yet about my referral. Watch it take 3 months just to see the doc. I wouldn't doubt it with our health system.

All night after such a bloody disappointment I kept thinking what if it never happens for me, what if life/ fate/ something is saying I don't deserve to have children. I just don't want to live a life like that. That fate would be my worst hell.

OMG I miss you so much my baby. Jack and Mummy forever