Santa

I was not looking forward to Christmas and most of it I just wanted to barry my head and cry all day. I do have to thank Santa . He tried sooooo hard to make me happy and still make it "Christmas" for me. He spoiled me when I told him not too and even brought Jack his special ornament for the tree. Santa was good to me and Jack and with the help of a whole bottle of wine I got through it. Another small thing that is huge to a parent of loss is the recognition of our children; Nanny always makes sure there is a place for Jack at her dinners. His name is often said and his urn is so welcomed at the table. He was decorated in a little Christmas hat and with little toys and stickers.We all love you and miss you baby. Jack and Mummy forever

This Says it All

I'll be thinking of all BLMS, BLFS and your beloved children this Christmas. I love you Baby . Jack & Mummy Forever

Flutters

Jack,
We are watching tv and every so often my heart flutters, anxiety is gripping it with intensity. Jan 4th is coming. Your surgery is almost here. I am so worried something is going to wrong, everything is going to go wrong, fear floods my body.
Where did the time go? It went into the past . My mind knows this but my heart does not. I am instantaneously both in the past and the present. Worrying , worrying for what has already come to pass. Soon the worst time of my life will begin even though it has ended or has it?. My heart flutters, it wont let me forget. I am so anxious,so nervous. D day is coming again and again.

I am still scared for you baby. Jack and Mummy forever

The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

I haven't felt much like talking lately. It feels like words are struggling to get out. Its is scary how I can disappear into the depths of my thoughts and not or want to come out. I wish I could be like my husband and choose too or control my thought and emotions. After all this time I still drift into the bad times with Jack and try to change them to a better outcome in my head. I am still looking for a solution and a way to bring him back. I still fantasize . My husband avoids anything that might make him sad and I on the other hand swim in it; yet I still haven't accepted that I wont see Jack again in this life. The fantasy keeps me going in a way. I can practically live in my imagination and I worry that if I don't find something to anchor me here that eventually some day I wont come out. Its another reason why we really need a rainbow.

I had my HSG test, the results were both bad and good news. The good news is that everything looked fine and the dye shot straight through. The bad news is there still isn't a reason for our infertility and it may mean further testing. I am worried it could be my Hubby ( we wont find that out till our next appointment but in our last appointment the Doc didn't think it was him. My hubby has had to have physicals in the past for work and always had had a good medical history), or it could be me with a lack of good viable eggs on my part or maybe I am killing the spermies. Grrr who knows, there are sooo many things. We have to wait till mid January now until I get my next appointment with the specialist. He may order more tests but I think he will also prescribe me clomid just to see if that helps. I am not sure if that will have any benefit or not as he has tested me and it shows that I do ovulate but anything is better than nothing. It only reminds me further of what a miracle and a mystery Jack was.

As Christmas approaches I am more of a Bah Humbug. I have no excitement for the holiday like I used to and just don't care. We will have to go to the In laws house this year and put on fake smiles and do the whole socializing thing.  There is only one thing I want for Christmas this year. One thing I will always and forever be wishing for. I want my Jack back. I miss you so much baby. Jack and Mummy forever

I Imagine

                                                              JACK & NANNY

Dear Jack;
 Christmas is coming and I imagine even more of what you would be like at this time. I imagine you crawling around the house naked with a trail of clothes behind you as you've realized that wearing a diaper and clothes just isn't your thing. I think you would be a long way off from walking but Daddy likes to imagine that you would be running around the house naked.

 I imagine that this year we  would keep the tree baron of decorations for fear they would all wind up in your mouth. I imagine while I am busy wrapping the gifts we have bought for Nanny and relatives that you are busy behind me tearing the wrapping paper off them. I imagine the tree would not only be cat mutilated but kid decimated by this time.

I imagine you spitting out your veggies as fast as I can shovel them in as you have also decided that healthy food is not your thing either. I imagine every corner of every boxed and wrapped gift is chewed up by both you and the cat. You would have both been famous partners in crime.

 I imagine after a big dinner everyone blaming you for their stinky farts. We already did that last year. Since you would be a man of few words I think we could have gotten away with that for quite a long time.

 I imagine you having a temper tantrum as we tried to take the bows and boxes off you in an effort to get you more interested in the gifts that were inside them. "Look at this Jack isn't this toy fun.Ok, Ok, just play with the cardboard box then." I think your new word would be "MY!" short for mine and that by the law of Jack anything found within your reach would now and forever be no one elses property but your own.

I imagine the candy cane that Nanny was not supposed to give you to gum and bite on was now stuck in your massive main of unruly hair. I imagine you biting and chewing on everything by now with the teeth you do have. You may have alot by this time. You started teething early and your first tooth started to poke through in Feb of last year while you were in the PICU.Everyone was astounded.

I imagine your squeals of glee at seeing and feeling snow sprinkle on your head. I imagine you moaning in terror  as we sit you on Santa's knee and the nasty scowl you would always have just for  all the Christmas family photos.

 I imagine you baby; that's all I can do. I long for you. Jack and Mummy forever.

PS I LOVE YOU

The Last Tribute- OURS

I finally got our tribute letter from the donation I sent in for the Fundraiser. The total altogether of funds raised 600.00. Although I am disappointed once again that my family chose to disregard Jack I am glad that there were so many others that recognized and helped us honour him. Thanks again to all those that helped and contributed and thanks as well to all those that have stopped by blog to see Jack and give kind words of support as well. Jack and Mummy forever

Furry Creatures

I decided to put up our Christmas decorations, mainly I think to try and get into the spirit. I think its more of a desperate attempt to feel anything for Christmas. I was hoping it might get me in the mood and give me some excitement about the upcoming holiday but as of yet it has backfired and just further reminds me that Jack wont be here for it.

 Not more than five minutes after I had the tree all finished it got "cat mutilated". It always does and by the time I take it down its way past pathetic looking. LOL That is good though, that reminds me of how Christmas should be in our house. Baby Squirt always knows how to put a smile on my face. She has really helped Codie and I get through this with all her tender loving loving support.

Just a recap; Baby Squirt is Jack's cat. We got her from a barn when she was almost dead. She was born not breathing until the dairy farmer knocked her a few times to get her going. It had worked but she had some brain damage and was extremely small. Her mother decided to abandon her and refused to let her feed. She then got a double eye infection and could not see. Even though survival of the fittest  was a natural process in the barn Codie couldn't watch her die and brought her home in a shoe box.  By that time she was not only brain damaged but starved from malnutrition.I was five months pregnant at the time.

We took her to the vet and he gave her medication for her eyes and the tools for bottle feeding. The vet said he really didn't think she was going to live and might be blind by now. The medication worked, her eye's cleared up and she loved the bottle. So she grew, she was extremely happy and affectionate and often laid on my belly and purred to Jack.

Her and Jack became so close and she loved to snuggle him and watch over after he was born. He loved to pull on her fur and feel it against his face.

She is a good size now and healthy and energetic. She does have googly cross eyes and very weak back legs but she she seems to see fine and gets around great. She still misses Jack and often goes into his bassinet looking for him. She is such a baby and spoiled rotten but she has given us so much more.She has substituted in helping my empty arms and never gets tired of Codie and I carting her around and mauling her.Furry creatures can be magical in getting you through the worst tragedies.

Jack, Mummy and Squirt forever