I don't have anything beautiful to write today, I don't have words of wisdom or strength or courage. In March it will be a year since you left me my baby and I still cant imagine a whole long life without you. I feel like by now I should be stronger, I should be more of a positive example to others that are beginning this unwanted journey, that I should be not be as torn apart today as I was when I had to start walking this path. I still cant imagine my life without you Jack and today I am drowning in tears for you. The roller coaster is headed straight down. Since Jan I have actually felt worse than I did before the year ended. Maybe I am a little crazy because I have gotten by so far thinking that somehow you would come to me, that your strong will would prove stronger than science itself and as time goes by that hope is waning. I am truly dragging my feet today baby. I am probably also not making a whole lot of sense.I guess tomorrow is another day and hopefully a better one. I love you my piglet, my everything. Mommy and Jack forever
ps I just found out that my fertility appointment has been pushed up to this Thursday, I hope we get some positive results from it.
1 day ago
5 comments:
hugs to you
I'm thinking of you and Jack. xx
Michelle,
I think that what you are feeling is expected. I can relate to feeling weaker as time goes on. I think that the numbness goes away and you notice that even though the world is still moving your life is standing still. I know that there will be brighter days but fisrt we have to make it through the storm.
E-mail me if you want to chat, vent or just write how sad and unfait it is. We can support eachother.
Marisa
Your post sounds similar to what I wrote when I was reaching a year. My baby should had been born sometime between mid February & March. When I lost my baby in Oct of 2010 from that time forward I felt regret up to march. Every week & month thinking "I should be 34 weeks.." & so forth. When the due date came around I felt relief. I know all of it was in my head. When Summer of 2011 came oh boy it got bad.. really bad. I remember things to the date. I remember things or saw old photos I took & I thought "I remember this day.. Swimming at the beach soaking up the warm sun roughly 5-6 weeks pregnant & completely clueless of the fact that I was pregnant." Every date up to the date I was of everything. I feel like I am rambling now & going way off topic. You shouldn't feel stronger 'by now' & to be honest, I doubt you will ever feel completely strong. There have been times when I've gotten mad at myself for allowing it to get to me. It's all okay. You are okay where you are hun.
Have you ever heard of Faces of loss Faces of hope? You should check it out. Kristen founded it & she is the one behind the blog Dear Stevie. You can connect to real woman who have been there. Just a thought. Feel better. I'll be thinking of you today later on when I'm taking a few photos.
I was reading the comments, and I pretty much concur with what Mary said.
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