I haven't had the urge to post lately. With the pregnancy and the packing and everything else its been hectic here and on top of that when I sit down at the computer now I always feel the urge to barf LOL I am still on that roller coaster and I have good days and bad days where I am still extremely haunted by all the events leading to the worst day of my life and even worse than that the worst and last day of Jack's life.
I don't get into see an OBGYN until April 18th and that is one week after my second trimester. I hate BC, they have such a pure lack of monitoring for pregnancy. Their attitude is "well lets see if you make it that far first without losing it and then we will go from there." Also in BC you get one ultra at 18 weeks and that's it! At least in ON they give you three. When I finally get into to see her though I will stand my ground and see if I can get all the none evasive tests done for Down Syndrome including a special ultra sound test. I will also make sure they keeps their eyes open this time for defects considering they never caught a damn thing with Jack prior to him being born. That was actually both Ontario and BC that didn't catch anything. Its hard as I have no faith in the medical profession now. I found in Jack's whole case they were both stupid and lazy. An example of this was when Jack was in the hospital after the surgery when all his complications started to arise, I was always the first one to point out that something wasn't right just before something happened and had to demand tests. At one point his belly had swollen up and it turned out he had another infection. There excuse was "Well your his mother so your going to catch differences in his body and behaviour faster than us." They ended up saying that very often. Anyway as you can see I am still so spiteful and am "Ye of little faith" when it comes to doctors. I just hope all goes well till my appointment with the OB.
I will be deconstructing my computer soon for the move and it wont be back up for well who knows. It depends how fast my unpacking goes. I just want everyone to know that I am thinking of you even if I cant make it to your blog for a hopefully short while.
That day is coming up baby. I wish I could stop thinking about it. Daddy and I haven't decided if we are going to do something or rather try and ignore it and work through it.I think we would rather keep your birthday as your special memorial day and try not to focus on the day you left us. Even though you were in my arms, I wish I could say that your last day was peaceful and painless and just all about love and comfort but you left us in a bad way. What I can say is that you fought it as long and as hard as you could. You were so strong willed my baby. I am so proud of hard you tried. Wah ok the waterfall is coming.
Time to get back to packing up the last items, Once again it always feels like we are taking our lives apart and slowly trying to put it back together again.
After all this time my baby I can still practically feel your skin on my fingertips, smell you hair. I miss you. Jack and Mummy forever.
1 day ago
14 comments:
I can't imagine only getting one u/s or not seeing an ob till then, ugh. Hopefully you will be able to get at least an extra u/s or two and extra testing for down's, especially after all you have already been through.
Michelle,
I am thinking of you and know that I understand how you are feeling. I can't believe you have to wait that long for an ultrasound. I wish something could be done. Know that i am thinking of you in coming weeks and sending good vibes your way. Good luck packing and getting moved too. Hugs, Shelly
Michelle,
I too can't believe you have to wait that long to get in to for an ultrasound much less an appointment. I wish you lived here in the US. I so understand your plight and wanting to find out everything you can about this pregnancy because of your history. Thinking of you in coming days and hoping your move goes well and your pregnancy moves forward. Hugs, Shelly
hey Michelle....Hi Hon. Please do not lift on this move....hopefully Codie has some buddies from work or something to help you guys out. The apt. you told me about sounds awsome.....onwards and upwards.....sending U 2 all kinds of positives.....& love ....always.
Hold your ground girl....& get the tests you require.....it seems that is the way these days with our medical system.....DEMAND....what you need and breathe deeply little one....all is good....Believe....F@%* Hope....u 2 deserve this....and so does Jack's lil sis/bro....thinking of U lil Jack...smiling....<3.
I am convinced now more than ever--after having worked in the medical field myself and having my own terrible experience with physicians and the system as a patient--that *we* are our the best advocates, for ourselves and our children. I'm sorry for the resistance you experienced and are still dealing with. I can tell you, if/when I get pregnant again, I'm going to be one pushy bitch.
Good luck on the move. I hope it all goes smoothly. xoxo
First of all, best of luck with shifting and the doctor's appointment, although it does seem quite far off. Why do they have such ridiculous rules?
Last day: I really don't know wha advice I can give you about it. What kinds of comforting words. Honestly, I've never been able to figure out for myself except wishing that the whole world had ended that day. I continue to act like a dumb idiot throughout. I didn't hold my baby when he died, and an year after his death, I did nothing special for him.
I hope everything works out great for you. I am so sorry that the doctors there are inconsiderate. Praying for you!!!
That is just horrible that they literally make you wait! I know that during the second trimester the chance of loss is less but they shouldn't make you wait out til then to see 'if it lives'. That makes me so mad. When I confirm for sure I was pregnant (my first ultrasound at 10 weeks) my doctor told me to have an abortion. He told me straight up "It will be best. Do it." I wanted to smack the living $%X! out of him! When I was consider high risk the doctors were actually great however they treated me like I was a 5 year old child at times. The day I lost my baby they had an 'okay.. get over it' attuide. It was horrible. They seriously wanted me to just forget. As if nothing ever happen. As if I never was pregnant, never was given a diagnosis and never actually gave birth to my daughter. It's really bad that some doctors do that. My mother notice quite a few things with my brother but that was also more than 35 years ago when medicine and technology was much different.
I wish you the best during your move and with your little pregnancy!
It's amazing that we have all of the technology available but the humans who have to run all of it are ridiculous.
Good luck with your move, and I'll be watching for your next post!
I cannot beleive that you cannot see an OBGYN until 18 weeks. Our Canadian Medical system is not as good as we think. I wish you luck for your move, and like Barbara-Lyn said, try not to move heavy things.
You, Codie and Jack will be in im thougts on March 3rd.
Thinking if you,
Marisa
Gosh that really is unfair that you get so little monitoring early on. Here in the UK, we have a national health service which is basic, but even they offer two scans as standard - a Down's screening at 12 weeks and an anomaly scan at 20 weeks. If you're someone like us though, who has lost a baby, they really step up. I think I've had 12 scans so far with at least two more scheduled. (I think they're afraid of me because, just like with your Jack, they missed things with Seamus that they should have picked up on - that the cord was round his neck 8 times).
You shouldn't have to, but I'd encourage you to fight for the care you need. It's not easy, but you need it - another pregnancy is such a hard thing to go through. And your emotional wellbeing is as important as your physical care.
Good luck, andI hope the move goes smoothly too.
I was the 3rd person to have a cerclage at the hospital where they cared for me and Liam. They basically crossed their fingers that it would work. 30 minutes away was a high risk hospital prepared and ready for people like me. I was supposed to be transferred there 2 days after Liam came into the world and died. They waited too long to transfer us. I'll always wonder "what if", for the rest of my life.
I'm thinking of you in these days leading to March 3 and thinking of your sweet Jack. xx
I didn't know if you have your computer all set up yet. I just wanted you to know I thought of Jack and you yesterday. I hope the day was not too hard. Sending you love.
Thinking of Jack.
xx
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