I haven't had the urge to post lately. With the pregnancy and the packing and everything else its been hectic here and on top of that when I sit down at the computer now I always feel the urge to barf LOL I am still on that roller coaster and I have good days and bad days where I am still extremely haunted by all the events leading to the worst day of my life and even worse than that the worst and last day of Jack's life.
I don't get into see an OBGYN until April 18th and that is one week after my second trimester. I hate BC, they have such a pure lack of monitoring for pregnancy. Their attitude is "well lets see if you make it that far first without losing it and then we will go from there." Also in BC you get one ultra at 18 weeks and that's it! At least in ON they give you three. When I finally get into to see her though I will stand my ground and see if I can get all the none evasive tests done for Down Syndrome including a special ultra sound test. I will also make sure they keeps their eyes open this time for defects considering they never caught a damn thing with Jack prior to him being born. That was actually both Ontario and BC that didn't catch anything. Its hard as I have no faith in the medical profession now. I found in Jack's whole case they were both stupid and lazy. An example of this was when Jack was in the hospital after the surgery when all his complications started to arise, I was always the first one to point out that something wasn't right just before something happened and had to demand tests. At one point his belly had swollen up and it turned out he had another infection. There excuse was "Well your his mother so your going to catch differences in his body and behaviour faster than us." They ended up saying that very often. Anyway as you can see I am still so spiteful and am "Ye of little faith" when it comes to doctors. I just hope all goes well till my appointment with the OB.
I will be deconstructing my computer soon for the move and it wont be back up for well who knows. It depends how fast my unpacking goes. I just want everyone to know that I am thinking of you even if I cant make it to your blog for a hopefully short while.
That day is coming up baby. I wish I could stop thinking about it. Daddy and I haven't decided if we are going to do something or rather try and ignore it and work through it.I think we would rather keep your birthday as your special memorial day and try not to focus on the day you left us. Even though you were in my arms, I wish I could say that your last day was peaceful and painless and just all about love and comfort but you left us in a bad way. What I can say is that you fought it as long and as hard as you could. You were so strong willed my baby. I am so proud of hard you tried. Wah ok the waterfall is coming.
Time to get back to packing up the last items, Once again it always feels like we are taking our lives apart and slowly trying to put it back together again.
After all this time my baby I can still practically feel your skin on my fingertips, smell you hair. I miss you. Jack and Mummy forever.
2 days ago