My sweet baby,
I have been trying sooo hard to be positive for your brother and keep my grieving, bad days and stress level in check for your baby brother that I think sometimes the positive is working against me. What I mean by that is that I am am just letting it well up inside me as I try and keep it contained and that just results in an even bigger vomit of my grief later. I am normally a shy person that keeps everything in rather than talking about it but even more so these days. This resulted in rotten potatoes being the end of the world.
While grabbing the bag of potatoes for our side in dinner, I saw that every one I pulled out was rotten. It was just a bad bag from the store. That is not the way I saw it though. The welled up emotions suddenly spewed out as I drew all these connections with the rotten potatoes and Jack's passing and I just started bawling uncontrollably. My hubby rushed into the kitchen, being a man of simplicity with emotions he was very perplexed and did not relate the two aspects in my sudden episode. He does care though even if he doesn't understand what it is all about. He tried to calm me and reassure me that it was ok if we didn't eat potatoes tonight and if I wanted he would go straight away to get another bag. Yes he thought that's why I was so upset LOL I did actually explain to him how it was grief related, that as I pulled each potato out it just reminded me more and more of death and then my mind starts ticking like a bomb with thoughts of how did the potatoes go rotten, were they already like that, did I not store them properly, was it my fault? Bam! there goes the bomb as it all comes back to the loss of you my precious.
He did try and console me after that and of course use his favourite saying "Smarten up"," Why would you blame yourself?," "No good can come from dwelling on what happened".Sigh ..... he sees the world in black white . To him Jack passed from a genetic heart defect, it's over now - why relive the horrid details. He doesn't look into the past, he doesn't ask why or feel irrational blame or survivors guilt. I knew he wasn't a "deep" person when I married him though LOL and what counts is that he tries. He doesn't read my blog, he doesn't like to feel sad and he remembers Jack and talks about him a lot only with a smile. He runs from sad or thinking to much and unlike me it hasn't caused any emotional bombs of his to go off.
Although my potatoes have come up rotten lately I did get some healing food for the soul. We brought home our new furry bundle of joy a few days ago and like all kittens she is keeping us on our toes. I was glad to get the vet appointments over with though, her trip and Squirts yearly physical were stressful. What cat likes the vet LOL. Her name is Too-Too and she will be Severus's cat just like Squirt is Jack's cat (we also got her as kitten before Jack's birth.) They are also both my babies too lol. I know you would be happy my baby that your Squirt now has a young play buddy. They get along great and their silly antics would make you laugh and giggle. Severus is also doing very well, measuring great, and all reports on his heart and other organs are very good. I wish you were here to enjoy the new kitten my baby and see your brother grow. I will always ache for you. Jack and Mummy forever.
2 days ago