Cry Me A River

I am up at 6 am making coffee, my inner voice shouts "You idiot - it's Sunday and who are you up for, the kids?" My inner voice is sometimes a very sarcastic and nasty bugger. I then proceeded to write a blog post wherein again I lament over you my lost Jack. The way I talk about you, well you would think the sun, moon and stars stopped for everyone in the world when you died. Like you were the mechanical wheel of the whole universe that kept it turning . I know deep down that nothing stopped , the rotors kept turning on this well oiled machine called life and the only rust that has gathered are on the turning wheels of my own mind.

My inner voice says again, "Don't you think you should be in a better place by now? How long, how often are you gong to go on and on and on. Enough already for goodness sake; just cry me a river."

I think we all struggle with that inner voice that always tells us how we should feel, what we should be doing, and how we should be acting. Its always been there  whispering to us from the time we entered adulthood but after child loss  it becomes a loud, overbearing entity upon itself that almost splits us in two. Sometimes I listen to it but other times I fight back rationalizing in every way that  what it is saying is wrong. This time I say,

I will cry a river for Jack, I will cry a lake, an ocean and an unending waterfall. I will cry an infinite water supply that runs through all space and time until my world is nothing but a flood of emotion and water. My world is tears and  an endless body of water in which sometimes the waves form and the storm threatens to swallow me whole. I have my flotation device. It has mental pictures of my cat and my husband, it has notes on it that remind me that if I drown I may leave others to this same damning fate. I grasp it hard and tread water using Jack's buoyant smile to keep me floating. I tread toward him, I tread and tread until my legs are exhausted and I am breathless. Only his image remains on this tide that keeps moving further and further away from me but the irrational promise of feeling his physical presence again keeps me pushing on. This is my world, my water world.

Maybe someday these tears will dry up, maybe the clouds will part and the water will abate showing green grass underneath. Maybe someday I will be able to see the trees through the storm and slowly the sun will start peaking out until I can finally feel its warmth on my face. Maybe a path will finally clear and instead of treading water I will be able to walk again, maybe jump or even skip. Maybe I will finally catch Jack's image on a breeze, I will see its just a photo and that will be enough. For now the tears blind me, I cannot see far ahead, I don't want to. I am not ready.  I live in my water world, I stay a float and that will just have to be.  "Cry me a river". "Oh I will and much much more."

My everything I miss you, Jack and Mummy forever

My Blogging Story

Last year very early in my loss of Jack I went strolling on the Internet looking for answers of how to get through this unbearable grief. That's when I came across the first blog I had ever seen, before that I didn't even know blogs existed.  I had no idea that millions of people had blogs to share their life, grief, info and ideals. I felt such a commonality with this BLM and was so desperate to share my grief that I told my whole story in her comment box. It felt good to get it all out and it felt even better when she responded. I soon discovered there was a whole world out there of BLMS and even F's that I could relate too. I decided then to start my own blog to share my pain, my journey, to get so many others to see Jack's smiling face and feel some solace that at least in the bloggy world of loss that he was being acknowledged.

That first BlM, the one in which I vomited all my pain and what happened with my son in her comment box actually became one of my first followers and I will forever be thankful for the world she has shown me as it has since become my saving grace. I have since found a wealth of amazing people that offer me support and even when they don't comment that's ok too just knowing they have stopped by and seen Jack makes all the difference.  It is not only therapeutic sometimes to post my own journey whether good or bad but to read so many other blogs, relate to there feelings, share their loss and learn how they are walking on this path.

 I had a BLM email me that she was getting discouraged about her blog and  with some sensitive issues that may come with blogging and loss. I am sure some of us have been through this so I wanted to post a little about that for her.

 On my bloggy journey I have I'll admit sometimes felt rejected especially when I was just starting out. When you are new to blogging especially in the loss world you sometimes assume the etiquette of blogging is much the same as conversing. You discover some blogs that run in the same circles as you, you share some BLM followers, or just feel you really relate to what they are saying so you comment on their blogs posts hoping to make a new friend in which you can both share your journeys -only to be ignored. Not only do they not reciprocate but they haven't even glanced at your blog in all the time you have been reading and commenting on theirs. You may not give a dam and move on to others or you may take it heart depending on what kind of person you are.

I cant say why this happens, maybe they are to busy, maybe they get soo many comments they cant respond to everyone,  they have enough friends they share their grief with, maybe they don't like your profile, maybe they have stopped by your blog at one point and just feel your not the right fit, yes blogging can also be a little highschoolish. I once had a BLM email me that she would no longer be following or reading my blog when she found out I was atheist and prefer I would do the same.

 So even in the bloggy loss world you may sometimes be disappointed , it may seem like some blogs take off fast and find lots of peoples to share their stories and ups and downs with right away and yours does not but yes it  does happen to other people too and you are not alone in this experience.  If your blog doesn't take off fast just know that eventually  you will find some wonderful and amazing people out there, some you have everything in common with, some you don't but give you a fresh outlook on your grief, some that you  live vicariously through that may be going through some good changes that you have yet to reach. It may be alot of blms you will eventually find to share with or just a special few but stick it out because some of the people you will find are well worth the wait.

I have found that my bloggy experience is evolving, lately I haven't even felt up to even posting very much. I  have had some major letdowns lately and am going through this kind of quiet clam up stage in my grief, instead of finding comfort in releasing my emotions on a post  I am just comforted reading and commenting on other blogs. This sometimes helps me feel not so alone. I hope my inspiration will come back but  for now I know my blog will be there to say a few words or pour it all out when I need to. Ive have learned so much about other very special children and parents and I have been so thankful to get to know them. I have also   learned alot about grief in general. Thanks to ALL BLMS out there, your children, your stories of loss  and your journies are very very important   and your words are always going to find someone that needs them.

ps I love you baby , my everything Jack and Mummy forever.

Bad News

Our fertility appointment was moved up and the news almost shocked me off my seat. The words the Doctor said resonate in my mind and to me is comparative as if a scientist had sat us down and said a comet was hitting the earth . "It's not you," he said. Over the years we have been together we always thought the problem was me. I had never been regular in my cycles until after Jack was born. There were times when I didn't even get my monthly visitor so to hear those words....

Apparently the problem resides with my husband. As the doctor spoke all I heard were words bolded in my mind  like slow motility and broken tails and quality. I am functioning perfectly  except for my age and now our only option would be an IUI and he cant guarantee that would be successful either. He said he would put me on a superovulater medication that would shoot out 2 to 3 eggs and that would help increase the chances of one the eggs reaching our little non swimmers when he places them at a more strategic vantage point.

The problem- We cant afford it. I always thought if the doc just gave me clomid I would ovulate better and that would be that. I was hoping so much we wouldn't have to get this point. Bad timing as always plays a part, Codie and I have to move( probably to the other side of this huge city where there is more to offer) as this old house has way to many problems and is costing us a fortune to heat. Although it is beautiful the wind blows right through the windows & doors and there are drafts from holes in the structure in the closets, the laundry room, and everywhere that we look now that lead right to the outside. On top of that my husbands work is slow, we were expecting that after January and paying the bills isn't a problem but it doesn't leave us much left.

The secretary gave us the cost of having just one IUI and with the meds and the ultra sounds it's about 1200. I went red as she asked us when we like to start and schedule all of it. They wanted to schedule it for February  with my age they said there is no time to wait. Embarrassed I said "well we have to check our schedules and phone you back." . We are a middle income family, we do our best  and pay our bills but that's not what they expect when you walk in there.

My husband says "wait a few months ,we'll get there"; but I have heard those words before and watched those months turn into years. I feel like time is on a runaway train and all my hopes and dreams speeding further and further away until they fade out of sight for good.

Jack you weren't just our miracle, you were our one in a million miracle. I am so proud of you baby. Jack and Mummy forever.

I Should Be

I don't have anything beautiful to write today, I don't have words of wisdom or strength or courage. In March it will be a year since you left me my baby and I still cant imagine a whole long life without you. I feel like by now I should be stronger, I should be more of a positive example to others that are beginning this unwanted journey, that I should be not be as torn apart today as I was when I had to start walking this path. I still cant imagine my life without you Jack and today I am drowning in tears for you. The roller coaster is headed straight down. Since Jan I have actually felt worse than I did before the year ended. Maybe I am a little crazy because I have gotten by so far thinking that somehow you would come to me, that your strong will would prove stronger than science itself and as time goes by that hope is waning.  I am truly dragging my feet today baby. I am probably also not making a whole lot of sense.I guess tomorrow is another day and hopefully a better one. I love you my piglet, my everything. Mommy and Jack forever
ps I just found out that my fertility appointment has been pushed up to this Thursday, I hope we get some positive results from it.

Whether I

My love,

Today is Daddy's birthday baby and other than wishing him a Happy Birthday we aren't really doing much. It doesn't help that we don't feel like celebrating because this was your preop day. Last year we wheeled you around the hospital for all your tests, it took all day, we tube fed you while in the offices waiting for the tests. It was hectic, with all the people everywhere and you loved it. Through all the prodding,poking and needles you were happy as pie. This was when Daddy took a pic of you smiling from ear to ear and your laugh it was always so magical to hear. This was the last day we saw that huge, huge smile and heard that amazing laugh. You slept mostly the next morning when we took you in at 6am for the surgery.

Its the new year baby and I wanted to say that for this year coming :

Whether I walk in the day

or by the pale moonlight

Whether I walk on a path or

even out of sight

Whether my path is lit or
I'm walking in the dark
Whether I'm dragging my feet or
walking with a spark
Whether I find myself at the end of a journey
or at the very start
no matter where, when or how I walk;
you will always be in my heart.

MW

I love you and miss you baby. Mummy and Jack forever