Here We Go Again

I haven't had the urge to post lately. With the pregnancy and the packing and everything else its been hectic here and on top of that when I sit down at the computer now I always feel the urge to barf LOL I am still on that roller coaster and I have good days and bad days where I am still extremely haunted by all the events leading to the worst day of my life and even worse than that the worst and last day of Jack's life.

 I don't get into see an OBGYN until April 18th and that is one week after my second trimester. I hate BC, they have such a pure lack of monitoring for pregnancy. Their attitude is "well lets see if you make it that far first without losing it and then we will go from there." Also in BC you get one ultra at 18 weeks and that's it! At least in ON they give you three. When I finally get into to see her though I will stand my ground and see if I can get all the none evasive tests done for Down Syndrome including a special ultra sound test. I will also make sure they keeps their eyes open this time for defects considering they never caught a damn thing with Jack prior to him being born. That was actually both Ontario and BC that didn't catch anything. Its hard as I have no faith in the medical profession now. I found in Jack's whole case they were both stupid and lazy. An example of this was when Jack was in the hospital after the surgery when all his complications started to arise, I was always the first one to point out that something wasn't right just before something happened and had to demand tests. At one point his belly had swollen up and it turned out he had another infection. There excuse was "Well your his mother so your going to catch differences in his body and behaviour faster than us." They ended up saying that very often. Anyway as you can see I am still so spiteful and am "Ye of little faith" when it comes to doctors. I just hope all goes well till my appointment with the OB.

I will be deconstructing my computer soon for the move and it wont be back up for well who knows. It depends how fast my unpacking goes. I just want everyone to know that I am thinking of you even if I cant make it to your blog for a hopefully short while.

That day is coming up baby. I wish I could stop thinking about it. Daddy and I haven't decided if we are going to do something or rather try and ignore it and work through it.I think we would rather keep your birthday as your special memorial day and try not to focus on the day you left us. Even though you were in my arms, I wish I could say that your last day was peaceful and painless and just all about love and comfort but you left us in a bad way. What I can say is that you fought it as long and as hard as you could. You were so strong willed my baby. I am so proud of hard you tried. Wah ok the waterfall is coming.

Time to get back to packing up the last items, Once again it always feels like we are taking our lives apart and slowly trying to put it back together again.

After all this time my baby I can still practically feel your skin on my fingertips, smell you hair. I miss you. Jack and Mummy forever.

The Best Day of My Life

I have been trying forever to try and get this video to work on crappy outdated blogger grrr. I hope it will play once I publish it. With Jack's upcoming 1 year anniversary ( I cant even say it, I think you can guess which date this is) I am trying really hard to focus on his birth, his beginning and try to think of the best day of my life and not the worst in order to get though it. I wish I could hear your cry  but I already packed my speakers. I love watching you fuss with the nurses, your saying "Seriously I just got out of this totally cramped space that I was stuck in for 9 months,  so leave me alone so I can stretch out and relax!" After 54 hrs of delivery you made me the happiest women in the universe baby. I love you. Jack and Mummy forever

Travellin Jack and the Rainbow

Jack went through time and outer space
He met a dragon and spoke to an alien race
He climbed the highest mountain peak
He swam with the fishes and played in the creek
He met so many friends and was overjoyed with glee
For he was Travellin Jack and always felt so free
　
Then he heard his mother calling again,
"Jack I am lonely here without you"
So away he flew
He found a rainforset and he knew what to do
After a storm when the sun peeked through
He finally spied a rainbow with all his favourite colours
Red, orange, green and blue
He used a raindrop as a sack
then dropped in the rainbow so he could carry it back
He drifted over his Mother and shed the raindrop like a tear
He whispered" you wont be alone Mummy, Don't you ever fear"
The rainbow flooded into her and nine months later she gave birth
From far above and with a great big smile,
Jack watched his sibling and now felt part of himself grow up on earth

I know it's a shocker, considering our problems. Its early as I am only 4 weeks but I wanted to let others know on my blog as I will need support if anything happens. We are hoping, hoping nothing goes wrong.
I conceived the same month and week that Jack was conceived. I am sooo proud of you my baby, always my miracle, my everything.
 Jack and Mummy forever

This and That

 I haven't posted in awhile, I think this is the longest stretch that I have went so far without posting. I haven't had alot to say. We are moving at the end of Feb, it will be hell to move again and also to deal with the anniversary of your death my baby. The good news is you will a way bigger room for your nursery and it wont be cold and drafty. I guess that old world charm just didn't work out for us LOL I wish you were here to help me pack up everything; I'm sure you  be taking everything out of the boxes that I just put in.  Don't worry Mummy is keeping your favourite stuffies out with your urn in the bassinet.

Its crunch time again and as always my period is late grrr, I wish it wouldn't play mind games with me. More than that I wish I would stop thinking about it. I know it will come, our chance without the IUI are next to nil. In any case I haven't given up that hope. We are still going to get the IUI eventually, but there are other things that have to be taken care of first. I aiming for July before my 39th birthday.

I was packing your porcelain hand and feet molds, my god you had big feet. I will have to take a pic of the mold sometime and post them. I remember your sleepers never fit, I preferred the ones with the feet in them to keep you warm, so I would always have to get sleepers that your feet would fit in. They were always to big everywhere else. You had a short little body and stumpy legs and arms yet big feet . You were so adorable. So much like your Daddy.

I was also packing your monitors and was tempted to set them up. I thought what if I could hear you again. Maybe you would talk to me. You used to  blabber up a storm. You had long conversations that made no sense. I miss your happy squeals. I miss you.

My everything, Jack and Mummy forever